Friends With Benefits

It took 1 hour. 53 minutes and 13 seconds to change everything.
That's how long the Skype conversation took.

Here's to looking up at the little bit of sun
shining through, and
 to making our way through
the forest.

We don't know if we'll like it. We don't know if it'll work. We don't know if we're wrong.

But we do know that it'll hurt.

Who am I?

I am Zi. I am a Virgo. I have lived in the United states for the nearly the last decade. In early 2010, I  moved to the north-west for a professional reasons. In the course of time, I met Zin and fell in love with her(gradually). Then, I lost my job and consequently made the decision to leave for the north-east, partly because it was a bigger job market and partly to increase my chances of staying in this country due to visa reasons which are too complex to address in this post.

I grew up with three sisters and was raised by parents(primarily my mother) who made enormous sacrifices  for their children. My parents essentially were(and still are) in a soulless unhappy marriage. Eastern family values encourage the cohesiveness of family with a reasoning that the sum is greater than the parts. While this is a beautiful concept in sentiment, it also results in a lot of pain. Especially when people stay in relationships in the name of keeping the family together while suffering from within. So consequently, I grew up watching people(especially women) make huge sacrifices for their significant others. I also watched my two older sisters overcome great odds(dealing with my parents) to marry the men they chose without my parent's consent. Watching these women shaped my idea of relationships.

Since I met Zin, I have subconsciously expected her to behave like the other women who indirectly influenced me  in the earlier part of my life. For example I did not expect her to leave her last relationship despite the apparent challenges. In her current relationship with me,  I did not expect her to gratify her immediate needs (at least in the short term) and focus on us. I now realize that it is impossible to expect that from a person who experiences life by "diving in" and living "authentically".

Also on occasion, I am not comfortable with Zin's ultra liberal and friendly attitude in her personal life. I don't think this is a result of my eastern background any more than it is of  me just applying common sense. Since we  are in a relationship, I expect her to think and act for the both of us(like I do) and not  necessarily act  "in the moment". The latter, I have realized is just a hall pass to follow every single instinct or desire stemming out of her mind. While this is a beautiful sentiment it can potentially have dangerous consequences.

Now I realize that I need to change my approach.  My idea of appropriate relationship-decorum has been developed primarily by living in an eastern culture which celebrates female modesty and relationship zeal. Perhaps expecting this from Zin is unfair to her. Maybe, I should just let her "be". Let her flow through the landscape of our relationship naturally. Not question her every act and thought.

Furthermore, I too should not limit myself in the name of our relationship and also live "authentically" like Zin. Its hard enough to be celibate in  a long distance relationship let alone deal with a partner who wants to platonically associate with a recent romantic interest. I too should seek out  company of the fairer kind and enjoy it, although with a platonic intent. These experiences are going to be tricky but  I am not going to suppress myself anymore and create self angst.

I will try not to invest all my energies into our relationship to a point which causes excessive disagreement between us. I will accept that our relationship is amorphous and may change with time.

Zi

Living authentically and its costs

I consider myself to be fairly open to possibilities and am willing to tread the path less taken. This philosophy has led me to meeting Zin. Fast forward 8 months, we both have become passionate lovers. Our relationship was partly responsible for her divorce. She chose to pursue me and leave her previous relationship, which lasted 9 years, Does this say something about her desire for me or  my perception of why she left her previous relationship?

We face significant challenges in our relationship. The biggest one being the distance between us. I am beginning to realize that another big challenge is Zin’s emotional awareness. It is like a moving target.  At one time, she felt that the only reason she was leaving her ex is that she never got the time & attention she needed, and perhaps it was not related to polyamory. Another time she told me that she can potentially be monogamous with me since I fill all her needs. As of today morning, she told me that her new love interest fills her needs in ways I don't.

In order to deal with this nebulousness I proactively decided to accept her  “potential” polyamorous nature, provided her other relationships were secondary to ours. It has become obvious that we both were on different pages when we made this agreement. According to her last post, this agreement would be valid only if we were married.

While I do agree with her, we still maintained a relationship dynamic which gave me the impression that I would be her primary lover. Her intent further indicated so. Why else would she want me to live and work in the Eugene area? Why else would she talk about starting a family? Why else would she behave in a way as though I was the only man she wanted to be with? Why else would she feel guilty about meeting other men (which I originally thought were meant for her specific needs).

I confirm my thoughts by quoting Zin from earlier posts..

“I went out last night with someone. It felt wrong. NOT authentic. Afterwards I came home, didn't even brush my teeth. I just kicked off my shoes, pulled off my jeans and crawled in my bed. Bra still on, necklace on “

“I've tried dating others since he's left, but .... no. I just miss him. When I'm out with anyone else, it's Aashik I think of. “

I am not naive about our challenges and do expect her to meet other men. BUT I subconsciously expected her to move very gradually with any new relationship especially considering she had made me feel like I was the only man she wanted until now. Also, I felt that she understood me at a level where she would be mindful of my emotional situation related to my career and life in the United states.

Perhaps, I was asking for too much. Perhaps, the Zin I knew was a figment of my imagination which was fueled by own need to connect with a wonderful woman. I feel stupid.

“So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J.”

My Dearest Zin,

Do you realize that in the above statement you are addressing/grouping a man you met three weeks ago along with me - a man who you considered to be connected to in body & soul, a man who you have desired to start a family with, a man who held your hand and your heart while you both danced the night away in Portland, a man who introduced you to Ittar and loved sharing his culture with you, a man you desired to visit India with, a man who sneaked out of work to meet you during rainy afternoons...

Perhaps, I would have been comfortable with the situation if this new “relationship” had grown gradually. This clearly has not happened and I don’t want to be an impediment to your new feelings.

 I am not letting go of you this easily.
I want to continue our relationship but propose certain changes.

I want you to consider our relationship as a secondary one. So that you can pursue something long term and primary in your town. In my absence, if you can develop such strong feelings for a man in three weeks then you will eventually want more  as time progresses . I don't want to be in a situation where one day I will have the geographic freedom to be closer to you but will have to contend with a person with whom you may have a stronger connection with.

I don't want to take that risk. I will not survive it. 

So consider making me your secondary relationship or in my words...” a need”.

 I still love you very much.

Zi.

"Don't leave me emotionally"

That is what Zin said a few weeks ago during one of our late night Skype sessions. The grainy video on my laptop screen did very little to hide the apparent tears forming at the edge of her bluish-green eyes. “You have already left me physically”, she had mentioned earlier. Going forward, I did not anticipate how much those words would haunt me.

Why did this happen to us?

I left Oregon in April after having lost my job. With my visa status and future in the United States at peril, I had to make the hard decision of moving to the North-east to find a job. Since then, we both have communicated online and talked extensively about the future of our relationship. It has become apparent to me that she needs her emotional and physical needs taken care of. This aspect becomes more critical to me when I remind myself about the reasons she  left her husband , that being her unmet needs. As a result, I have mentally wrestled with all the dystopian possibilities of our relationship. I have arrived at the conclusion that the only way I can keep her in my life is to encourage her to meet other men. So that way she could lead a balanced life without my physical presence and perhaps be insured against the vagaries of our own circumstances. Also, this would be a litmus test for the polyamorous soul within Zin.

Various circumstances, most of which are beyond our control, have led to our relationship not reaching a point of maturity. How can I continue this journey with Zin  - being so far away and without  her touch, without our physical chemistry?

 I need to see her more often.

 Last week, on a whim I bought a ticket and visited her for the weekend. We spent our time making love, watching movies and talking about her new love interest. I have never doubted her love for me and now, on my insistence, she has started seeing another man. I was surprised at the pace at which she has immersed herself in this relationship.

“I always move fast”, she has told me time and time again. I can see the gumption in her approach but I still would prefer that she takes things a little slowly, for her own good and maybe mine.

Also, I have tried my best to suppress and kill my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to hinder Zin from spreading her wings and indulging her body and mind.

She should not sacrifice her freedom for me or for that matter, any man.

~ Zi