He Gets

Further
And
Further
Away.

Thoughts in Letter Form

Dear Zi,

You are right. Always. About everything. I think I am right about a lot of stuff, too -- when I listen to my body, when I actually feel emotion and energy in my body instead of telling myself stories and pushing my feelings out of my body and into my rational analytical brain.

I let my brain make far too many decisions, instead of my heart and chakras.

Sometimes I think you do that, too. Think with your brain, instead of your body. :)

For instance, you say that you want me to date others, but I just don't believe it. I believe that your visceral body doesn't want me to, even though your brain thinks it's a fine idea. So I get conficting responses from you. And that's why it's hard for me through this transition.

Not trying to blame this on you. I have similar conflicts in me. Parts of me yearn for you FOREVER; the logical part of me recognizes your absence and the reality that if I want a warm body and some companionship, I need to be open to dating here -- and, you know, actually do it.

A part of me says "Yes, it sucks now, but later it probably won't. If you just wait, it'll be better. Distance yourself until then." Part of me says that idea is dumb and will only teach me to detach.

And still another part says, "If you date others, you'll alienate yourself from Zi and be turning your back on him -- and he'll retaliate out of pain and hurt and leave you forever and you'll deserve it."


My fantasies of living with you and having your baby are strong. They are barbed into my flesh and even if I close the door on them, they are still attached, tethering me to a future that doesn't exist and may never.

I'm confused, my love.

I want you. I want my fantasy.

But if I'm not living for that, I need to find a way to keep myself tethered to you (because I want you always in my life somehow, in whatever way the Universe wants us to be), but in a way that allows me to fully experience life over here, with no guilt.

I'm trying.
I really am.

Right now, and only right now, and only because of the painful distance, and to run away from my dreadful feelings of guilt, I want to try letting go of my strong romantic feelings for you and moving on to a place where I can Skype and text and talk with you and be filled with peace and not remorse. "Letting go, moving on, but not."

Maybe you are right. Maybe the only way to do that is to try that "soft dating" you described -- though it sounds treacherous and abhorrent. But maybe that's the first step.

Nothing I'm saying here is different than anything we've said before. I guess I just need to periodically repeat it to solidify it. Mostly I think the guilt is the most debilitating for me.

Guilt for not being loyal and strong enough to wait monogamously across the continent for you for as long as it takes for you to make your way to the NW. Whenever that is.

And the mourning for the loss of the future I so wanted, and believe(d) that you want(ed), too. That's also debilitating.

I feel sick that we aren't together -- that I'm once again staring out of the window and at the tablecloth, my feet stuck to the floor, not wanting to go to work or grocery shopping or talking to anyone. Just sitting. Just waiting. For the rocks of depression to settle on my limbs again.

But that can't happen again.
Our love is too precious; I don't want it to make me sick.

Because then if we ever do end up together, I don't want the past (the sickness of depression) to haunt us -- for me to carry any resentment that I went through that with you (or you for me) -- to taint our love.

I'm reminded a little of P and I. How his computer addiction, though curbed in the last years we were together, made a lasting hurt and impression on our relationship and contributed to our divorce.

What if my depression is like that for us? What if we end up together two years from now, and I hold too high expectations on us because I incorrectly believe that I suffered (we suffered) so much at the beginning that everything should be perfect "now'? (in the future) And thereby sabotage our loving relationship.

And there it is again.
I'm panicky about a future that doesn't exist and I'm telling myself stories.

Deep breath. Stay in my body.
And go to work!

Survival

In a small shelter
Not of earth
But of my own flesh

Huddled in the corner
Of my psyche
I shiver
And shake
And bleed.

Survival means
Holding my breath
Until sleep comes,

Or until you reach for me
And I hold out a trembling finger
For you to touch.

Friends With Benefits

It took 1 hour. 53 minutes and 13 seconds to change everything.
That's how long the Skype conversation took.

Here's to looking up at the little bit of sun
shining through, and
 to making our way through
the forest.

We don't know if we'll like it. We don't know if it'll work. We don't know if we're wrong.

But we do know that it'll hurt.

Again

I’m staring at the wall again.

It feels like a boulder is pressing on my lungs again.

I’m in that place where I can’t breathe. Where I can’t think. Where I can only mourn.

Whatever that means.

I’m in that place, again, where all I want to do is sleep. Where all I want to do is watch movies to escape.

Again.

Where I want to touch myself to forget.

Where I want to touch myself to remember.

Again.

I’m in that place again where sleep often mocks me dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd unless I’m falling asleep at the keyboard.

Where I float through my life’s existence like a ghost, watching from above.

I want to crawl under a mossy log and hide from drippy wet rain that seeps into the knees of my jeans, and mats my hair.

It’s that time again where I have to breathe fast and shallow to get enough air, because my lungs have so much weight on them I can’t wiggle out from under it.

It’s that time again when the alarm is going off and I can’t find the off switch.

It’s that time again where I turn the crank on the popcorn maker and nothing pops. I just turn and turn and turn. And I think of how that’s a pretty crummy metaphor for my life right now, but then a breeze forces it’s way past the blinds and lifts my hair, cooling me.

And tickles my calves.

And I smile in spite of myself.

Took a Hit

I fuck up so easily.

It seems no matter what I do, I make people unhappy.

When that happens, sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just say, "Ok, I guess I just need to re-double my efforts at being authentic. Living by my guts, my feelings, my intuition -- what feels right in the moment. I'm going to disappoint people anyway, so why not feel truthful and real while doing it?" ("If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?"~BareNaked Ladies)

And other times, when it's clear I've put my foot in it again and hurt the man I love, I want to re-double my efforts *there* -- and re-commit to focusing solely on Zi.

He sacrifices for me. Why can't I sacrifice for him? What's the difference? Monogamy would be a sacrifice. Not touching and snuggling with another man while Zi's in NJ would be a sacrifice. But one I'm willing to offer.

I want Zi. I crave the life I imagine with him. But Aashik said something to me yesterday, about getting to know him. And I wonder if it's true that I don't know him. Enough. Enough to build a life with. How is it that I love him so bracingly, so "fire in the belly", so unconditionally and completely that I'd be willing to commit to monogamy -- but not "know" him?

What do you need to know about a person before deciding you love them?

What they're like when they fight?
What they look like when they cry?
If they sex you up to a place where you get all melty inside and you never want to feel another cock inside you but his?
When you want to carry their child in your womb and make them a daddy? And *see* them with that child?

Is it then? Is that when you know them enough to love them?
Is that knowing them at all?




It feels different now.

Zi and I spoke yesterday (texted and Skyped), and while the conversation started out with name calling (apparently I am "insensitive and self-absorbed") and that he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with me if this is what it looked like, we ended with both of us apologizing and with us going back to where we left off when he left my town after this last visit -- monogamously Trying with all our combined mightiness to make Us work. Chock this up to one more challenge. Roll with the punches.

But it still feels different.
Even though Zi has said nothing has changed.
Only that if I can see men socially (platonically) -- including J (someone I have a short history with) -- then he will start seeing women socially, too.

But it still feels like something is wrong.
Not quite right.
Like something's gonna happen.

Back and Forth.

Late last night, Zi and I talked some more. We cried on Skype and I ended up voicing things I'd previously felt uncomfortable saying -- like, I don't want you to date other women but I want to be able to date J -- even though it screams inequality. And, "I'm polyamorous," even though I was terrified he'd leave, saying it was all just too hard to deal with.

He didn't. He said, "In order for this relationship to work, one of us needs to sacrifice. Let me be the one, because you are not able to right now." So we left it with him not dating other women and me able to date others without limit to the style of relationship. Him trying (re-doubling his efforts) to get back to Eugene (or at least the NW) in the next two months, and him moving in with me.

I felt happy, secure, loved and trusted. I went to J's after that, had sex and talked about family and relationships and books and art and the colors we see when we fuck.

Then.

Zi called me this morning angry and hurt and scared and telling me he didn't think I loved him. It was terrible. I had no idea what to do. It was like watching him get hit by a car and die right in front of me. I just held him with my words and my spirit over the phone waves and hoped against all hope that he felt it.

We hung up, I went to a chiro appt, I drove to work, I texted him, he texted back that maybe I just didn't love him the way he loved me (admitting, at least, that he believed I did love him), I worked my shift and then called him right afterwards. We talked some more. He apologized for "going off" on me, and that he wasn't angry with me, just at the situation. He's been asking me to write down for him what exactly I want from him, and what exactly I can give him (also in the range of best case scenario of him living in eugene, to the worst case scenario of us breaking up and just being friends, what did i consider the next level above us just being friends.) So. Homework from him. Which I'm glad to do. It helps me know myself better (and serves Aashik's need to learn more about me.)

The next to last worst case scenario regarding Aashik and I would be me committing to a monogamous relationship with him. Back to square one. No evolving. No personal growth or exploration for me. But. In return, love. Being in love. (Something I didn't end up having for my soon to be ex.) The best cock ever. Being worshipped. Never doubting his love for me (like I did with my s.t.b.ex.) And fun exotic dreams for the future with a man that makes me feel like no other does.

I hung up feeling a little bit better in heart .... went to my writer's critique group meeting and when I got home we Skyped. He again reiterated his apologies and the previous days proposal of him not dating anyone else for now and that I can have freedom to date whomever I choose, "and we'll see what happens. See? I'm using your words. I'm trying to be more like you. Because if I don't, I'll break. I'll go crazy."

I felt so uneasy. On the one hand, he was giving me exactly what I asked for. But on the other .... the skin around his eyes looked fake. He smiled with his lips and not his mouth. It looked false ... and like he was already cracking.

We talked more. And more. And more. (I'm getting nothing done within the rest of the my personal life. I've dropped everything to fix this.) And I finally got (again) to a place where I trust his words. He loves me, he's not leaving me, he's trying to get a job in the NW .... and he accepts me for who I am. And we'll see.

That last part causes me anxiety.
And when I share that with him, he smiles.
But not maliciously.
And says, "Now you know how I feel. What was that? 3 seconds you felt that? I've felt it for a whole *week.*"

So we'll see.

Longing

This is my screen saver on my computer.

I Miss Zi so much I Feel Insane.

I'm feeling beat up today. My head hurts from crying ... and probably not drinking enough water. And stress. And too much on my plate right now. And not having a regular schedule in which to do anything. I feel like I'm behind on everything -- making hotel reservations in Sunriver, now one for Portland, making flight reservations for Massachusetts, signing up for the Willamette Writers Conference (and the hotel reservations for that, too) and and and and and and. It goes on and on.

Faerieworlds Festival is this weekend. The Summer Solstice. Something to celebrate. But I don't feel much like celebrating.

I'm tired.

Probably not a great time to write. When I'm tired. Everything seems bigger and more dramatic when I'm tired.

Zi and I have been talking A LOT about our relationship these past two days. I feel like I have monumentally let him down. Why did I fall in love with a monogamous man? This is so painful for him, and consequently painful for me as well. Empathically I feel his pain. And frustration. And disappointment.

We both want to be together. We both love each other. We both feel an immense physical connection.
But.
He's not here.
So now what do we do?
What kind of relationship can we create with our distance that will allow us both to feel ok?

I told Zi today that one of my bottom lines in any relationship I was in right now was the freedom to connect with other men if I felt called to it. I may not. I may be monogamous in lifestyle (if not in heart) for *years* before running into someone I felt a connection with and wanted to follow it where it lead. But I needed to freedom to be able to go there. I think things happen for reasons and we meet people for those same reasons. If I meet you on my life path, it's for a reason, and I want to get to know you long enough so that I can figure out the why of that.

Zi says we hadn't talked about this before (but I know we have). Maybe it was another case of me saying and meaning one thing and him hearing it a different way than I meant. Connotations of words has suddenly become a big deal for us. We have resolved to be very clear with each other about what the meanings of our words means.

For instance,
I emailed Zi earlier today about changing my Facebook profile picture. Zi is very careful about his appearance on the internet and never shares anything personal online. He's uncomfortable with me putting up pictures of him, tagging his name on anything, or even on me writing on his Wall. He wants all communication to be private. Ok. (I'm am not a private person at all, so the concept has taken some getting used to :) but it's one that I honor because it is important to him.)

So, a couple of the pictures I took of him this past weekend were so beautiful of us, I altered them so that just partial face shots of him were there. I emailed them to him and asked which one I could put up (a couple days ago, he had said I could ... I just wanted to give him an option of which one looked better to him). And here was his emailed reply:

These pictures are good. But in light of some of the recent developments in your personal life, I am not comfortable with you posting these pics.

We  always talked about our relationship and how we had agreed to keep your other relationships invisible. But now, with our circumstances changing...let me be the "invisible man" in your life.

Will always love you


I don't even know what that means. :( "In light of some of the recent developments in your personal life"? Does he mean that because I have listed J, on FB, as someone I'm in a relationship with now, Zi doesn't want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend at all? To anyone? He wants to be "invisible" now?
Why?


And the reference to keeping my other relationships invisible, that was a very specific scenario. That referred only to if Zi and I were married and if I found someone I wanted to connect with on the side (once or twice a week), it would have to be kept from our mutual circle of friends and his family. My friends could know though. But only the closest, most discretionary ones. Like T. So his reference in the email doesn't apply to us right now at all. (I wonder why he brought it up.)


So, does the fact that J and I are publicly dating mean that Zi is embarrassed to be with me? Like he's the "other man" or something? I'm proud of Zi. He's amazing and awesome and I want the world to know how much in love I am with him! And he wants to be my secret? I don't understand that. I hope that I'm wrong and have misunderstood his email. It's too late (time difference) to call and talk to him about it. So I am forced to wait and worry tonight until he can respond to this posting tomorrow.


I love Zi. So much!


He calls me "my queen." He washes my hair and my feet and looks into my soul with eyes that burn through my flesh, and drips into me like molasses. He curves his skinny legs around mine and cups his fingers around my ass, lingering, and bites me.


His energy sinks into my aura when we hug and he rubs his face into mine when I cry.


When we spend time together, his scent changes -- mingles with mine, reacts to mine. He alternately says he can't live without me and we have to figure out how to live and love long-distance so it can stay passionate and real and fulfilling ..... and then trips into the dank hole of giving up and says he fears he'll never see me again.


He pays attention to me. He thinks of me when we aren't together. He is sexually attractive to me and me to him. SO MUCH. Our sex is amazing. The best I've ever had -- and I've had sex with *many* men.


He gets me.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
He cooks for me and treats me like a precious commodity.
I'm fascinated by him: he's foreign, exotic, has a beautiful soul, and he speaks to me in Urdu.
He stands up to me. He's dominant. *And* submissive. 
He accepts that I'm poly (tho I'm saddened to think that this is changing for him as I type this).
He aches for me.
He misses me when I'm not there.
He loves my body and my smell.


I'm so in love with him.


And I'm so afraid for us.
I'm watching him crack.
Via Skype.


When Zi is here, he is all I think about. He is all I want. Forever. That's what I feel in the moment. In that moment. Like I could drown in him forever. Only him. In my head, I know that this can't be true. Even if we were married and saw each other every blessed day, I know that eventually (maybe not for seven years, or maybe seven weeks) I will run into someone that I want to know more about and it might turn into something romantic. But in my soul and heart, while I am with Zi, he's all I want. It's so beautiful.
It's a drug. And I want more and more of it. His skin and mine. Together. Every day.


But he's not here. :( And I ache for him.
Terribly. 
Especially when we are both going through such difficult times (with the distance and my new relationship with J) and I want to hold Zi tight and stroke his forehead and touch his skin that I miss so so much. I miss Zi so much I feel insane.


What's going to happen to us? Will our relationship be relegated to chatting online everyday and only seeing each other twice a year? I can't be sustained on that as my primary relationship. And neither can Zi. 


I entertain thoughts of 'maybe I am monogamous'. But is that just me trying to be something that Zi wants me to be? And not me being authentic? 


Whatever I am, I think it is safe to say that: I mostly prefer to expend my emotional and romantic energy on one person, but right now I'm allowing myself to display affection, sex, and love to more than one.


I'm willing to do this because I'm sad. And lonely. And I need skin to touch. 
I want to trace the contours of a man's face. A soul to hold. Affection from a man.
Since Zi isn't here, I wish to do them with J.


And I hope hope hope that Zi is really ok with that, and that we can get past this storminess.


I talked to J on the phone tonight, and cried about Zi to him. I asked J if it hurt him when I was feeling so sad for Zi. J said that it didn't. At all. That he was surprisingly ok with my heart being big enough to love more than one. :) So sweet. So understanding. He said, "Pain is the tariff we owe for having big hearts." And for me to never feel guilty for feeling. Because, he said, he would much rather know someone who felt deeply (including pain), than someone who didn't feel at all because they'd stuffed it.


We also talked about us not wanting to get emotionally attached to one another because of his eventual move for (wait for it ...) a job. But. It's a little too late. The emotions are there. And they are rapidly attaching. Sigh. (What is the universe trying to tell me with having me fall for monogamous men who are,  or will be moving, out of state?)(*head smack*)


J said he thinks about that everyday (his job search that could take him out of state) and sometimes even panics about it. But he is determined to not get stuck in the places where he doesn't have any control, but to stay and say, "You know what? Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love and a great new person in my life. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now I'll just be with her. And live. And laugh. And Process."


I think those are wise words.


So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J. 


"Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now, I'll just be with you."


Sweet Dreams.

weekend bliss and bittersweetness

Aashik is playing "Werewolf" by Cat Power and making breakfast for me and the kids. He spontaneously bought a $700 ticket to come see me on Thursday night. It's Saturday now. He leaves Monday night. I'm ecstatic, sad, hopeful, and in that weird holding your breath place. We are consciously being in the now.

"I'm not leaving, in the now," he said this morning. And I cried.

We acknowledge our intense love and connection ... and wonder what it's for if we can't be together. Are we supposed to design our own kind of relationship? What should we call it? What should we call each other? (There are those 'shoulds' again...)

"I love you. You're so beautiful," he said and touched my chin.

Wrapped in each other's arms this morning, we whispered.
We whispered about our fears
And our dreams
And our hopes that we aren't ready to give up on.
We whispered about our love, and our desires, and I cried and grinded my hips into his and he kissed away my tears.

I'm fraught with confusion and pain and gratitude.
Confusion for what this tearing apart of us is for -- because there must be a reason for the Universe's cruelty; Pain for the separateness that it seems we must live right now; and gratitude for my lover's kindness and love and devotion.

I don't want to talk about the future here right now.
It's uncertain. And scary.
And stubbornly still hopeful.
I have optimism for us.
We will always be connected -- no matter what.
We will always love each other -- no matter what.
We will always be in each other's lives -- no matter what.

We just don't know how that will manifest.