Thoughts in Letter Form

Dear Zi,

You are right. Always. About everything. I think I am right about a lot of stuff, too -- when I listen to my body, when I actually feel emotion and energy in my body instead of telling myself stories and pushing my feelings out of my body and into my rational analytical brain.

I let my brain make far too many decisions, instead of my heart and chakras.

Sometimes I think you do that, too. Think with your brain, instead of your body. :)

For instance, you say that you want me to date others, but I just don't believe it. I believe that your visceral body doesn't want me to, even though your brain thinks it's a fine idea. So I get conficting responses from you. And that's why it's hard for me through this transition.

Not trying to blame this on you. I have similar conflicts in me. Parts of me yearn for you FOREVER; the logical part of me recognizes your absence and the reality that if I want a warm body and some companionship, I need to be open to dating here -- and, you know, actually do it.

A part of me says "Yes, it sucks now, but later it probably won't. If you just wait, it'll be better. Distance yourself until then." Part of me says that idea is dumb and will only teach me to detach.

And still another part says, "If you date others, you'll alienate yourself from Zi and be turning your back on him -- and he'll retaliate out of pain and hurt and leave you forever and you'll deserve it."


My fantasies of living with you and having your baby are strong. They are barbed into my flesh and even if I close the door on them, they are still attached, tethering me to a future that doesn't exist and may never.

I'm confused, my love.

I want you. I want my fantasy.

But if I'm not living for that, I need to find a way to keep myself tethered to you (because I want you always in my life somehow, in whatever way the Universe wants us to be), but in a way that allows me to fully experience life over here, with no guilt.

I'm trying.
I really am.

Right now, and only right now, and only because of the painful distance, and to run away from my dreadful feelings of guilt, I want to try letting go of my strong romantic feelings for you and moving on to a place where I can Skype and text and talk with you and be filled with peace and not remorse. "Letting go, moving on, but not."

Maybe you are right. Maybe the only way to do that is to try that "soft dating" you described -- though it sounds treacherous and abhorrent. But maybe that's the first step.

Nothing I'm saying here is different than anything we've said before. I guess I just need to periodically repeat it to solidify it. Mostly I think the guilt is the most debilitating for me.

Guilt for not being loyal and strong enough to wait monogamously across the continent for you for as long as it takes for you to make your way to the NW. Whenever that is.

And the mourning for the loss of the future I so wanted, and believe(d) that you want(ed), too. That's also debilitating.

I feel sick that we aren't together -- that I'm once again staring out of the window and at the tablecloth, my feet stuck to the floor, not wanting to go to work or grocery shopping or talking to anyone. Just sitting. Just waiting. For the rocks of depression to settle on my limbs again.

But that can't happen again.
Our love is too precious; I don't want it to make me sick.

Because then if we ever do end up together, I don't want the past (the sickness of depression) to haunt us -- for me to carry any resentment that I went through that with you (or you for me) -- to taint our love.

I'm reminded a little of P and I. How his computer addiction, though curbed in the last years we were together, made a lasting hurt and impression on our relationship and contributed to our divorce.

What if my depression is like that for us? What if we end up together two years from now, and I hold too high expectations on us because I incorrectly believe that I suffered (we suffered) so much at the beginning that everything should be perfect "now'? (in the future) And thereby sabotage our loving relationship.

And there it is again.
I'm panicky about a future that doesn't exist and I'm telling myself stories.

Deep breath. Stay in my body.
And go to work!

fly on the wall cam

masturbated
ate a bagel
looked for writing jobs
texted Zi
played with my Nook (tried to download an update but failed to figure out how)
thought of a book review I wanted to write
opened windows to the Spring morning
thought about making chai, taking the dog for a walk, and doing kriya. but didn't. but will.
listened to starred collection on Spotify while trying again with the Nook.
Success!
looked for more writing jobs
let the dog out
remembered about still undone homework
spent way too much time on my ok cupid iPhone app
promised the dog a walk
took a shower
thought a lot about the futility of dating someone new when I'm still in love with Zi
rested on the couch with my snack and answered a bunch more questions on the aforementioned app
napped
forced myself up
regretted staying up until 3am reading the night before
turned off the Arabic Flamenco music
let the dog out
added two years to my age range on ok cupid
forced myself to do homework
finished my homework and posted it
got dressed
thought how much this year has aged me. in my face and my body. (Funny. I've both been awakened to gloriousness, and my eyes and soul have sparkled in love and devotion to my eternal Man, ... and conversely shrouded myself in widow whites for the depression and scratchiness and raw pain of loving someone you cannot have -- and the kicker is -- he loves me back. Layla and Majnun. Only it is I who feel like Majnun. And my Layla is married to New Jersey, against her will.)
checked emails
drank water
made a to do list
went for promised walk
looked for kurtis online. more expensive than I was hoping for.
ate a banana
read online magazine called Khabar
remembered more homework
made popcorn
super tired thinking of my to do list



This is what depression looked like last weekend. I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I was angry with Zi and threw a milk carton at the wall. I've never done that before.

Zi talked me into a better mood. More hopeful. Yesterday was bad. But today will be good.
Inshallah.

Survival

In a small shelter
Not of earth
But of my own flesh

Huddled in the corner
Of my psyche
I shiver
And shake
And bleed.

Survival means
Holding my breath
Until sleep comes,

Or until you reach for me
And I hold out a trembling finger
For you to touch.

Udasi

Dripping
Stretching
Like a Salvador Dali painting
I'm pulling apart.

I don't even know what to do. Where to go.

Maybe I'm taking myself too seriously.
But I can't breathe.
My wooden lungs don't expand anymore.

Mein tum se pyaar karti hoon, Zi.
I don't know how to be anymore.
Without you.

Scalpel

There's nothing more sad than changing your Facebook status from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated.'

But then,

I deleted my FB cover photo of our hands intertwined.

And then,

even worse

I changed my blog description from "a mama writer swirls in her fascination with India while balancing five jobs and a long-distance, inter-racial relationship" (which identified and described me so perfectly) to ....  "a Pacific Northwest writer mama swirls in her fascination with India while balancing five jobs."

Deleting "long-distance, inter-racial relationship" felt like throwing away Rob's toothbrush when he died.

A whole half of me is gone.

We dated for a year and a half. Now who am I?

See Name Of This Blog

Zi and I named this blog Bare And Raw because that's how we want to be with each other. Bare and raw. In everything from sex to emotions. And I *love* that concept. I expect nothing less from Zi, and I know he expects bare honesty from me, too. But here's the hard part. I'm a chicken shit.

And that's so stupid coming from an artist.

If I paint something, or sculpt something, or write something, I am laying naked on a stage. Vulnerable. Letting my insides leak out. People can see everything.

And it's the same for me with sharing emotions. If I let my 'all' outside my skin, who will like me? Will I be driving away the very people I love and need right then?

My therapist said that if I act in a certain way in order to make someone else feel/do/say something, I am 1) being manipulative (ouch), and 2) I'm not showing up and being authentic. And if I don't show up as who I am, flaws and all, then how can I expect others to love the real me -- if I don't show them that.

So here's me saying something I've been afraid of saying:
I'm confused.

I'm starting to feel different about this long-distance relationship. But I don't know what that means. Or if it means anything. And lots of times I'm afraid to look at it, for fear of it showing me something I don't want to see.

I used to find joy in imagining Zi with me during the day. I'd be sitting on the couch typing, and imagine him in the kitchen making me tea, and I'd smile. I'd be driving in the van doing errands and imagine him sitting next to me, talking. I'd go to sleep and pull a pillow close, or wad the comforter up and throw my leg across it, imagining they were Zi. My Aashik. And I'd smile. I'd wear his clothes, his cologne, drink his brand of tea. Drink coffee in the morning even when I didn't want to, because I knew where he was, he was doing it, too. I'd do it all with a smile.

I'd Skype with him every day. Look forward to it. Run to the computer with a smile. Talk to him on his lunch hour and text him frequently. All with joy in my heart. I felt close to him. Sharing our love together. Feeding off of each other.

But lately...

I don't feel joy in any of that.
It's depressing now.

I used to find joy in coming up with exciting new sexy videos to send him; now even masturbating seems depressing.

Why is that?

Not about the masturbating, but the rest of it.

Why would something that once brought me joy, now fill me with black clouds?

I used to find joy in planning our future out, and imagining our visits together. Now thinking about the future is depressing. Aashik has said this is true for him, too, though, and so he just doesn't think about it.  Maybe what's happening is I'm trying that tactic, and my result is .... a distancing.

If I try not to have such constant contact with him (which previously helped me breathe and make it so I could get through the day), because now it reminds me that we live three thousand miles apart from each other, then what happens is: a distance between his soul and mine. A cooling. In an effort to protect my heart, am I pushing away my Zi?

He says that he's been feeling something different between us lately. Is it this? Is it depression (mine or his)? Or is it me pms-ing and I'll feel totally different in two weeks? Relieved. Full of imagery again. Planning for our next visit again.

These are the things I don't like sharing with anyone ... *especially* Zi, because what if pms is really all it is? What if this is just a different kind of missing him? What if this is just a blue day? And what if it is just one of those things, but Zi takes it to heart and panics and breaks up with me?

But what if it's not?
What if it's not one of those things, but something else entirely?
The thing I don't want to look at.

What if I've met the One, the best guy in the world for me, but it's just not the right time? What if I just can't handle this distance? I'm so lonely.

I go out with my girlfriends. I plan, organize and hold a Divorced Ladies Support Group once or twice a month where I laugh; talk about boobs, porn and dating; eat cupcakes and drink vodka. I'm reading all the time. I watch movies all the time. I'm a mom, which means I'm just doing stuff, all the time. I work part time at a restaurant. I'm trying to write/edit/promote. I'm exercising. I'm trying to learn a new language. I'm dancing now. Just signed my divorce papers. And I'm stupidly looking for a new apartment that will take dogs. And trying to get a hold on to my finances.

The point is: I fill my days. And my nights. And my weekends.
I have hobbies.
And I have love.
And I still feel lonely.

So what do I do?

Do I ignore the loneliness? What if that causes it to fester and rot into something even uglier?

Do I talk about it to my friends? While my friends love me and want the best for me, sometimes that doesn't translate to encouraging my long-distance relationship. So, it's ... non-productive at times to talk about me and Zi to them.

Seriously. What do I do?

Do I ride it out in this half-dead, auto-pilot existence? Hmm. If I'm only half-dead now, a year or two of this will finish me off.

Do I cut down on my contact with Zi? If I dive into my hobbies and interests and try to feel like not-a-boring person, I'll be more interested in myself. I might get excited about things again. And I'll have things to talk about with Zi again (instead of same old 'picked up kids from school/hard day at work/did you find a job yet' conversations.) Maybe I'll find *me* again. Maybe I've pulled this relationship with Zi up so far past my shoulders that it's covering me completely. Maybe I'm lost. Maybe I'm not real anymore.

Am I here?

What's real?

Is it my loneliness?
Is it feeling like I'm going to throw up when I think of living even the next four *months* without Zi -- let alone the one year that I'm telling myself that it will be, even though I know underneath it'll be closer to two years?
Is it wanting this relationship with Zi so much that I'm falling apart at the seams and then wondering if I want it because it's real, or because it's what I have right now?
Is it wanting to meet Jimmy for a cup of coffee, not because I want to start dating him again, but because he and I once loved each other (sort-of), and if I'm around him, maybe I'll get some of that love vibe in the airwaves and I can feel like a human again?
Or is it wanting my totally-platonic-like-a-brother-that-snuggles friend to come over and hold me so I *don't* contact Jimmy for that cup of coffee and find out I *do* miss him?

What is real?

Is it that I have a beautiful Indian lover in NJ that loves me and wants me, for me, no matter the cost, the challenges, the distance, the hardships, the taboo? Is it that he'll care for me always and worship me and make all my dreams come true?
Is it that I have a deep and penetrating connection to him that I fear living without?
Is he The One?

I don't want to look inside me to know the answers to these questions.
I want to just know.

Is this depression?
Is this missing Aashik?
Is this serious?
Is this something to just ride through?
Is is PMS?
Is it that I just haven't seem him in going on three months now? Without an end in sight. Sure. "When he gets his apartment." But (head shake) if he gets his apartment, that means he isn't coming to the NW any time soon. So I'm not really wishing for that either -- even though it means I'll get to see him.

And here's one last thing. When I'm with Zi in the present, I *never* *never* *never* have these thoughts. Ever. So, this is not me having seconds thoughts about Zi. This is me wondering how to be in relationship with him and still be fully alive. Not on auto-pilot. Auto-pilot hurts too much.

Maybe this is just my spirit's way of telling me that I need to see him every two months, no matter the cost, or I can't survive this.

I love you so much, Zi.
I want you.