Just had Skype sex with him, so maybe my opinion is skewed right now.
At any rate, I'm feeling in a good place because of lots of reasons. Somewhere in the last two months I've reached a place where my trust in Zi has solidified. I know with all the cells in my body that he won't ever intentionally hurt me. I know that he loves me, that he wants me. I know that he wants to hear my truth -- and here's the kicker -- and that when he hears it (whatever it is) he'll accept it. He loves me unconditionally. Whatever I need to tell him, even if it might be painful, he wants to hear. And I finally get that. I trust him enough to get that. And that's huge for me. That's something I only have with my friend T. That's something I didn't have with my ex-husband. Or any of my other friends, ever.
And. I can almost pee in front of him.
So one of the things I felt comfortable telling him this morning was that in order for me to maintain this relationship, to sustain on what we have, I need to see him once a month. I clarified by saying, "If we aim for seeing each other every month, and once in a while it's not realistic and it stretches to two -- I can handle that. My joy at our relationship can carry me through to the next month. But if we aim for every three months and it stretches to four, I can't do it." I did preface the conversation with a question. I asked him if he thought it was feasible: financially, mentally, time-wise/schedule-wise to see each other once a month. He said if we plan ahead, sure. So I felt that saying what I did wasn't unreasonable. (And it just shows how far I've come in my self-confidence that I'm able to admit that even if what I said was an unreasonable request/statement, it still would've been ok to say. Oftentimes love, or life, is not reasonable.)
So our new intent is, before we part on one of our visits, we will pick out the dates for the next time we can get together and see each other. To smell each other. To fuck each other. To be naughty together. To walk down the street together.
He took my statements and our intention very seriously. And I appreciate that. Immensely. It takes a huge block of fear off my head, too. Before he got his apartment, every day I would wake up and think, "I don't know when I'll see Zi again. Will I ever?" Each day got more and more internally dramatic. And now, because Zi is respecting this "deal-breaker" as we've come to call it, I know that almost every day I wake up I'll know, "I get to see Zi in six weeks." "I get to see Zi in ten days." Or, more importantly, "Today sucks ass. I can't stand to live like this anymore. I'm spiraling down. I can't see the sky. .... Wait. Breathe. .... Tomorrow will be better. And I get to see Zi in four weeks. I can make it. We can make it."
Zi expressed some concern today (or maybe chagrin?) at his seeming focus on our sexual connection -- that that is what keeps him interested in our relationship through the time and distance of our forced separation. I tried to reassure him, though wasn't sure if I was successful. I like our sexual connection! It feeds me, too. It keeps me in this relationship despite the challenges we face, too.
When I feel like the lack of close companionship and lack of sensual and comforting touch is too strong for me to endure, when I feel like my needs are not being met in this relationship, I remember that one of my greatest fears in this remaining lifetime is not ever having this strong of kinky sexual connection with another person again. So when I feel like maybe it's time to move on ... I remember this huge fact in my life. This huge *important* fact. Yes, it may be shallow. Yes, it may be crass. But, .... it's ok to say that sex is vitally important to me. A great sexual relationship is a deal-breaker for me on my current path. I am in the sexual prime of my life. (So is Zi, and oh do we make beautiful music together...)
Speaking of sex ....
while I was visiting NJ in October, we had a pregnancy scare. For about two days and two hours.
I was two days late, so I took a pregnancy test. It came out negative and two hours later my period started.
This has started a series of other conversations for us.
But I'll save that for another blog post.
