Ok. I promise. After this post will be exciting and lovely posts. No more missing Aashik posts. Well. For a while anyway. :) Living apart just makes missing your guy part of the deal.
I thought I would type up my whole day today. That way you can see what I do with my time off. My children were with their dad and I had the day off from work, so here's what it looked like:
I woke too early. It's my day off and I was hoping for a good 8 to 10 hours but am only granted six. Upon waking I am greeted with a fearsome vision -- kind of a nightmare where I'm partially awake. I gain alertness as the vision increases in it's horror. And by the climax of it, I am fully awake -- though paralyzed from shock and sickness.
In my nightmare, our baby girl -- Zi's and mine -- our less than one day old baby girl dies in my arms before we even leave the hospital. She just stops breathing for no fathomable reason. I hit the call light to get a nurse and start to perform infant CPR. Zi isn't in the room. Maybe he's getting coffee? When the nurse whisks in, she takes over and even though more staff and doctors pour in, nothing is to be done. One nurse turns to me and shakes her head.
"No!" I scream, as the room empties. Zi walks in then, terrified. Aghast. Heartbroken. I am crying, sobbing, hitting the bed. "No!"
Zi rushes to me to gather me in his arms. I hit at him and push him away. He is crying. When he releases me, I grab back at him, clawing at him, and he holds me and rocks me and cries with me.
In the quiet afterwards, we are sitting in my hospital bed.
"With hadn't even named her yet," Zi said in the now stark, cold, and empty room.
"Oh, but we had," I answer. My voice is dull. Wooden. But somehow hollow at the same time. "Remember? That day in the Eugene house, in bed?"
Zi closes his eyes and chokes on the sob that threatened to escape.
Isamar.
***
Awake in my bed I try to redirect the end of the nightmarish vision. With my right hand on my heart, my left on my solar plexus -- the chakra of personal power -- I perform Reiki on myself. I always have these violent visions when I'm feeling out of control in my life.
But I
am in control right now, I promise myself. I can stand the time apart. It can be fulfilling. I know it can. And the rewards at the end are priceless. The rewards. My heart held in suspended love forever. Living and breathing my wholeness, sharing my forever with my Zi. My gorgeous, perfect-for-me Zi, who whispers, "I'm here with you," whenever I am sad or scared. My darling. My Zi. My lover. The Air I Breathe.
So, yes. I am in control.
With Reiki hands, I try to breathe again and I recreate a scene where our baby is in ICU instead, and we massage her little body through the holes in the incubator bassinet, and talk to her until she grows in health. She is alive.
I'm thrown off kilter for the next hour and a half while I write in my journal in bed and soothe myself with all my loving memories of Zi.
His brown hands, his muscular butt that I like to grab during sex, his heat, his passion, his voice, his love, his tenderness, his laugh -- the real one, not the chuckle. The way his foot jiggles, the way he says 'vitamin,' the way he dances (mmmm....), the ways he takes care of me, his dreams that he's careful to keep inside himself now, the black hat he wears, our showers together, that he shares everything he has with me -- his furniture, his advice, his milkshake, his money, his love. I feel safe with Zi.
I start to touch myself and imagine our current shared sexual fantasy. Then, still imagining, I slap his ass and call him a name, and say, "Don't ever leave me again."
I am stopped. Pulled back into reality, into my bedroom on Lawrence Street.
Where did that come from? I am not violent at all.
I don't call names.
I don't hurt people, or shame them.
Huh.
I decide it wasn't me speaking some imbedded truth, but just grief from this morning's vision. Unfortunately, from past history, I know that sometimes a funk can follow me for days after a particularly bad vision. My only 'saving grace' is knowing that none of these 'visions' I've ever had (since they started when I was 13) has ever come true. They are
not premonitions.
I sneeze twice, acknowledge my hunger, and decide -- upon getting out of bed at 7:30am -- that I refuse to let any funk attach itself to me. It was just a dream. Even though I was awake during most of it. It was just a dream. A nightmare.
I still struggle with shame from time to time regarding these 'visions.' Strictly
because they happen while I'm awake, I feel like somehow I cause them. But that's not true. I know that because they only sneak upon me when I'm feeling overwhelmed and out of control, weak, and they always have to do with some violent horrible fear. It's always myself or someone I love getting hurt of dying.
I also know they aren't my fault -- that I don't cause them -- because they started happening when I was so young. 13. And, because I know my son is suffering from them now, too. Maybe from the divorce? Maybe from his anxiety-producing sensory processing disorder? And he's ten. He's not doing that to himself. He's not bringing it on himself. And
I'm not bringing it on myself.
So. My day will now continue.
Food. Now.
Oh.
But I need to take my thyroid meds first. Then wait 30 minutes for better absorption of the meds.
I swallow my pill and look around my room at the little tokens of love Zi's given me. A heart shaped box. A gold fabric bag. His bed. :)
In the kitchen, I collect papers meant for the desk, decide against coffee this morning and opt for a Lotus Chai -- another gift from Zi.
It's 7:47a.m. I rinse out a tea mug from yesterday and put on water to boil. I gather the tea things. I'm standing in the kitchen with bare feet, panties and a black and white striped button-down shirt of Zi's I often wear to sleep in. While I wait, I empty the dishwasher. And then while I wait for the tea to cool, I take my supplements: multi-vitamin and calcium -- chewable, because if I don't, I throw up; vitamin D -- liquid -- because I
do get tired of swallowing pills, after all. Vitamin C (one capsule), because I don't feel too out of balance in the health department (otherwise I'd be taking two); and Iron (two capsules) because I'm bleeding in my cycle right now, and I'm anemic according to my last blood test.
I push the chair in that my son left out yesterday, and put his cloth napkin in the dirty clothes. I take a sip of tea and settle into the couch with my journal, spying the jewelry I left out on the coffee table from last night, and the next book club book I'm bound to read. i have roughly three weeks to read it. I don't know how I'll manage it.
It's non-fiction -- which I actually really enjoy reading -- and is actually on a topic I find interesting ... but it seems the last few books I've read were non-fiction, and I've started a novel that is begging me back. So I have three weeks to battle off the desire to read "The Death of Vishnu", read "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation" instead, and also attend a writer's conference this weekend.
Another sip of tea and I turn on my computer to see if I've any new messages in the last seven hours.
I smile at my bra and kurta on the sofa, and the memory of Zi saying i was like a little child taking my clothes off whenever and whenever I wanted.
A text from Zi: Good morning, whachaupto.
My answer: Reading blogs about writing, getting excited about the conference, and drinking tea.
I don't tell him about the nightmare.
Spent an hour surfing the internet, made more tea, ate a banana, Zi called me on his lunch break, and we talked for about twenty minutes.
Awww. <3
***
Ok. I totally raunched this day out. It's 1:42pm and I've spent all that time researching sex toys, sex fantasies, and watching homemade porn that Zi and I made together. It's so lovely. I love watching us together.
Bliss.
But now it's
definitely shower time!
***
I combine the shower time with making a video for Zi -- if you know what I mean; ate some yogurt; and then finally made it out the door for Castle shopping. :)
***
Had a successful trip to Castle. Saw some neat toys and bought some new lube to try out. Went to a different store and got a wireless router from Goodwill. We'll see what it does.
When I got home, Zi was waiting for me on Skype. <3 We chatted and shared links to dildos and amateur porn and laughed about "you Americans and your sweets" while
he was eating a cupcake. :) After we hung up from our video chat session, my landlord came by to tell of parking lot resurfacing and fixed my wobbly doorknob. And then I watch a video of myself that I made for Zi (for educational purposes) on the subject of masturbation, and got hot and bother. So, I made
another video showing him what I wanted to do when we next met. :) I sent it thru Skype and started watching a movie on Netflix, still on the living room floor in my bra and panties.
"Plan B" -- great Spanish movie.
After Zi watched the new video I sent him, we chatted through Skype for a bit, said good night, and then I finished off the movie.
I decided, at 9pm, that I hadn't eaten anything but fruit, yogurt and cinnamon rolls today, so I made myself a bowl of brown rice, black beans, salsa, and cheddar cheese. mmmm.... protein. Oh. Also Mango-Orange-Banana juice.
I paid bills. Ug. Back to nothing again, and it's only the 3rd of the month. Talk about living on the edge.
Tomorrow is Bhangra Dance, work, and a little girl's birthday potluck at a friend's house. I'll stay a little while, and then get home to pack for my long weekend trip. Wednesday night=conference prep.
Thursday morning=load van, last minute 'anythings', go pay my daughter's tuition, work, gas up van -- with the last of the money for awhile -- and head to Portland.
Return from conference and our regular scheduled programming on Sunday afternoon night -- with a teeny chance of that extending until Monday morning, depending on my visit with may uncle and cousin.
I'd like to bring my uncle a token gift for hosting me. I don't know anything about him.
What should I get him?
And now it is midnight. Time for me to close my eyes. I'll head off and brush my teeth, and I'm so tired right now that I don't have that empty-bed-sadness. Also. No funk. All Day. So, good for me!
I can do it! <3
I love my Zi!
He makes everything better.
Just his presence. Just him being alive.
Huh. :) Just for a moment there, I smelled him in the living room. Not his cologne scent, but
him.
Maybe he's dreaming of me right now.
At 3am.
In New Jersey.
Good night, All!
