Late last night, Zi and I talked some more. We cried on Skype and I ended up voicing things I'd previously felt uncomfortable saying -- like, I don't want you to date other women but I want to be able to date J -- even though it screams inequality. And, "I'm polyamorous," even though I was terrified he'd leave, saying it was all just too hard to deal with.
He didn't. He said, "In order for this relationship to work, one of us needs to sacrifice. Let me be the one, because you are not able to right now." So we left it with him not dating other women and me able to date others without limit to the style of relationship. Him trying (re-doubling his efforts) to get back to Eugene (or at least the NW) in the next two months, and him moving in with me.
I felt happy, secure, loved and trusted. I went to J's after that, had sex and talked about family and relationships and books and art and the colors we see when we fuck.
Then.
Zi called me this morning angry and hurt and scared and telling me he didn't think I loved him. It was terrible. I had no idea what to do. It was like watching him get hit by a car and die right in front of me. I just held him with my words and my spirit over the phone waves and hoped against all hope that he felt it.
We hung up, I went to a chiro appt, I drove to work, I texted him, he texted back that maybe I just didn't love him the way he loved me (admitting, at least, that he believed I did love him), I worked my shift and then called him right afterwards. We talked some more. He apologized for "going off" on me, and that he wasn't angry with me, just at the situation. He's been asking me to write down for him what exactly I want from him, and what exactly I can give him (also in the range of best case scenario of him living in eugene, to the worst case scenario of us breaking up and just being friends, what did i consider the next level above us just being friends.) So. Homework from him. Which I'm glad to do. It helps me know myself better (and serves Aashik's need to learn more about me.)
The next to last worst case scenario regarding Aashik and I would be me committing to a monogamous relationship with him. Back to square one. No evolving. No personal growth or exploration for me. But. In return, love. Being in love. (Something I didn't end up having for my soon to be ex.) The best cock ever. Being worshipped. Never doubting his love for me (like I did with my s.t.b.ex.) And fun exotic dreams for the future with a man that makes me feel like no other does.
I hung up feeling a little bit better in heart .... went to my writer's critique group meeting and when I got home we Skyped. He again reiterated his apologies and the previous days proposal of him not dating anyone else for now and that I can have freedom to date whomever I choose, "and we'll see what happens. See? I'm using your words. I'm trying to be more like you. Because if I don't, I'll break. I'll go crazy."
I felt so uneasy. On the one hand, he was giving me exactly what I asked for. But on the other .... the skin around his eyes looked fake. He smiled with his lips and not his mouth. It looked false ... and like he was already cracking.
We talked more. And more. And more. (I'm getting nothing done within the rest of the my personal life. I've dropped everything to fix this.) And I finally got (again) to a place where I trust his words. He loves me, he's not leaving me, he's trying to get a job in the NW .... and he accepts me for who I am. And we'll see.
That last part causes me anxiety.
And when I share that with him, he smiles.
But not maliciously.
And says, "Now you know how I feel. What was that? 3 seconds you felt that? I've felt it for a whole *week.*"
So we'll see.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
conundrums ... or maybe just fuck ups.
I'm staggering under the pain of this separation between Zi and I, and how soon I feel like I'm once again forced into this conundrum of monogamy or polyamory.
Zi loves me, worships me, would do anything for me ... move mountains to be with me. And he is seriously having challenges with me dating J. He wants me to want him and him alone. If there was no emotional attachment, if it was purely for sexual release and some skin touching .... "dating" J would be totally fine with Zi. But. Can I do that? Can I stay out of my heart when I'm with J?
J is art. He's playful and we read to each other.
I *feel* like an artist when I'm with him. I'm inspired to see the textures in leaves differently, and notice how the grass feels on my feet when I'm with him. He inspires me to create.
He loves me completely. He loves me even when I miss Zi and curl up in J's lap and cry to him about Zi and how much I miss him. He seems more accepting of my polyamory than Zi is. But J is still monogamous. Maybe the *same* thing will happen with J at a later date -- maybe *he'll* tell me (like my ex, and like Zi) that he wants me to love him and him alone and that me being with Zi is breaking J apart. ....
J talks like I do. About spirituality and non-violent communication, and he understands my son's special needs even better than my soon to be ex husband does. Even before meeting my son. He gets along great with them and he *really* likes them. He finds my idiosynchrocies 'adorable.'
His family and friends already like me and are so happy I'm in J's life, and they haven't even met me.
That's all heady stuff. *Can* I distance myself from that and only have a physical relationship with J? He is, after all, leaving. Just like Zi. I can't survive more leavings. Rob left me in death, Zi left me for an immigration fuck up, and J is planning to leave for work. (shaking head) Why go there? AND he's monogamous. Double fuck up.
In Zi's words: "The next person you date needs to be polyamorous. It's not good for you, nor the monogamous men, to go through this pain."
But ....
Zi loves me, worships me, would do anything for me ... move mountains to be with me. And he is seriously having challenges with me dating J. He wants me to want him and him alone. If there was no emotional attachment, if it was purely for sexual release and some skin touching .... "dating" J would be totally fine with Zi. But. Can I do that? Can I stay out of my heart when I'm with J?
J is art. He's playful and we read to each other.
I *feel* like an artist when I'm with him. I'm inspired to see the textures in leaves differently, and notice how the grass feels on my feet when I'm with him. He inspires me to create.
He loves me completely. He loves me even when I miss Zi and curl up in J's lap and cry to him about Zi and how much I miss him. He seems more accepting of my polyamory than Zi is. But J is still monogamous. Maybe the *same* thing will happen with J at a later date -- maybe *he'll* tell me (like my ex, and like Zi) that he wants me to love him and him alone and that me being with Zi is breaking J apart. ....
J talks like I do. About spirituality and non-violent communication, and he understands my son's special needs even better than my soon to be ex husband does. Even before meeting my son. He gets along great with them and he *really* likes them. He finds my idiosynchrocies 'adorable.'
His family and friends already like me and are so happy I'm in J's life, and they haven't even met me.
That's all heady stuff. *Can* I distance myself from that and only have a physical relationship with J? He is, after all, leaving. Just like Zi. I can't survive more leavings. Rob left me in death, Zi left me for an immigration fuck up, and J is planning to leave for work. (shaking head) Why go there? AND he's monogamous. Double fuck up.
In Zi's words: "The next person you date needs to be polyamorous. It's not good for you, nor the monogamous men, to go through this pain."
But ....
Friday, June 17, 2011
Living authentically and its costs
I consider myself to be fairly open to possibilities and am willing to tread the path less taken. This philosophy has led me to meeting Zin. Fast forward 8 months, we both have become passionate lovers. Our relationship was partly responsible for her divorce. She chose to pursue me and leave her previous relationship, which lasted 9 years, Does this say something about her desire for me or my perception of why she left her previous relationship?
We face significant challenges in our relationship. The biggest one being the distance between us. I am beginning to realize that another big challenge is Zin’s emotional awareness. It is like a moving target. At one time, she felt that the only reason she was leaving her ex is that she never got the time & attention she needed, and perhaps it was not related to polyamory. Another time she told me that she can potentially be monogamous with me since I fill all her needs. As of today morning, she told me that her new love interest fills her needs in ways I don't.
In order to deal with this nebulousness I proactively decided to accept her “potential” polyamorous nature, provided her other relationships were secondary to ours. It has become obvious that we both were on different pages when we made this agreement. According to her last post, this agreement would be valid only if we were married.
While I do agree with her, we still maintained a relationship dynamic which gave me the impression that I would be her primary lover. Her intent further indicated so. Why else would she want me to live and work in the Eugene area? Why else would she talk about starting a family? Why else would she behave in a way as though I was the only man she wanted to be with? Why else would she feel guilty about meeting other men (which I originally thought were meant for her specific needs).
I confirm my thoughts by quoting Zin from earlier posts..
I am not naive about our challenges and do expect her to meet other men. BUT I subconsciously expected her to move very gradually with any new relationship especially considering she had made me feel like I was the only man she wanted until now. Also, I felt that she understood me at a level where she would be mindful of my emotional situation related to my career and life in the United states.
Perhaps, I was asking for too much. Perhaps, the Zin I knew was a figment of my imagination which was fueled by own need to connect with a wonderful woman. I feel stupid.
While I do agree with her, we still maintained a relationship dynamic which gave me the impression that I would be her primary lover. Her intent further indicated so. Why else would she want me to live and work in the Eugene area? Why else would she talk about starting a family? Why else would she behave in a way as though I was the only man she wanted to be with? Why else would she feel guilty about meeting other men (which I originally thought were meant for her specific needs).
I confirm my thoughts by quoting Zin from earlier posts..
“I went out last night with someone. It felt wrong. NOT authentic. Afterwards I came home, didn't even brush my teeth. I just kicked off my shoes, pulled off my jeans and crawled in my bed. Bra still on, necklace on “
“I've tried dating others since he's left, but .... no. I just miss him. When I'm out with anyone else, it's Aashik I think of. “
I am not naive about our challenges and do expect her to meet other men. BUT I subconsciously expected her to move very gradually with any new relationship especially considering she had made me feel like I was the only man she wanted until now. Also, I felt that she understood me at a level where she would be mindful of my emotional situation related to my career and life in the United states.
Perhaps, I was asking for too much. Perhaps, the Zin I knew was a figment of my imagination which was fueled by own need to connect with a wonderful woman. I feel stupid.
“So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J.”
My Dearest Zin,
Do you realize that in the above statement you are addressing/grouping a man you met three weeks ago along with me - a man who you considered to be connected to in body & soul, a man who you have desired to start a family with, a man who held your hand and your heart while you both danced the night away in Portland, a man who introduced you to Ittar and loved sharing his culture with you, a man you desired to visit India with, a man who sneaked out of work to meet you during rainy afternoons...
Perhaps, I would have been comfortable with the situation if this new “relationship” had grown gradually. This clearly has not happened and I don’t want to be an impediment to your new feelings.
I am not letting go of you this easily.
I want to continue our relationship but propose certain changes.
I want to continue our relationship but propose certain changes.
I want you to consider our relationship as a secondary one. So that you can pursue something long term and primary in your town. In my absence, if you can develop such strong feelings for a man in three weeks then you will eventually want more as time progresses . I don't want to be in a situation where one day I will have the geographic freedom to be closer to you but will have to contend with a person with whom you may have a stronger connection with.
I don't want to take that risk. I will not survive it.
I don't want to take that risk. I will not survive it.
So consider making me your secondary relationship or in my words...” a need”.
I still love you very much.
Zi.
I Miss Zi so much I Feel Insane.
I'm feeling beat up today. My head hurts from crying ... and probably not drinking enough water. And stress. And too much on my plate right now. And not having a regular schedule in which to do anything. I feel like I'm behind on everything -- making hotel reservations in Sunriver, now one for Portland, making flight reservations for Massachusetts, signing up for the Willamette Writers Conference (and the hotel reservations for that, too) and and and and and and. It goes on and on.
Faerieworlds Festival is this weekend. The Summer Solstice. Something to celebrate. But I don't feel much like celebrating.
I'm tired.
Probably not a great time to write. When I'm tired. Everything seems bigger and more dramatic when I'm tired.
Zi and I have been talking A LOT about our relationship these past two days. I feel like I have monumentally let him down. Why did I fall in love with a monogamous man? This is so painful for him, and consequently painful for me as well. Empathically I feel his pain. And frustration. And disappointment.
We both want to be together. We both love each other. We both feel an immense physical connection.
But.
He's not here.
So now what do we do?
What kind of relationship can we create with our distance that will allow us both to feel ok?
I told Zi today that one of my bottom lines in any relationship I was in right now was the freedom to connect with other men if I felt called to it. I may not. I may be monogamous in lifestyle (if not in heart) for *years* before running into someone I felt a connection with and wanted to follow it where it lead. But I needed to freedom to be able to go there. I think things happen for reasons and we meet people for those same reasons. If I meet you on my life path, it's for a reason, and I want to get to know you long enough so that I can figure out the why of that.
Zi says we hadn't talked about this before (but I know we have). Maybe it was another case of me saying and meaning one thing and him hearing it a different way than I meant. Connotations of words has suddenly become a big deal for us. We have resolved to be very clear with each other about what the meanings of our words means.
For instance,
I emailed Zi earlier today about changing my Facebook profile picture. Zi is very careful about his appearance on the internet and never shares anything personal online. He's uncomfortable with me putting up pictures of him, tagging his name on anything, or even on me writing on his Wall. He wants all communication to be private. Ok. (I'm am not a private person at all, so the concept has taken some getting used to :) but it's one that I honor because it is important to him.)
So, a couple of the pictures I took of him this past weekend were so beautiful of us, I altered them so that just partial face shots of him were there. I emailed them to him and asked which one I could put up (a couple days ago, he had said I could ... I just wanted to give him an option of which one looked better to him). And here was his emailed reply:
These pictures are good. But in light of some of the recent developments in your personal life, I am not comfortable with you posting these pics.
We always talked about our relationship and how we had agreed to keep your other relationships invisible. But now, with our circumstances changing...let me be the "invisible man" in your life.
Will always love you
I don't even know what that means. :( "In light of some of the recent developments in your personal life"? Does he mean that because I have listed J, on FB, as someone I'm in a relationship with now, Zi doesn't want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend at all? To anyone? He wants to be "invisible" now?
Why?
And the reference to keeping my other relationships invisible, that was a very specific scenario. That referred only to if Zi and I were married and if I found someone I wanted to connect with on the side (once or twice a week), it would have to be kept from our mutual circle of friends and his family. My friends could know though. But only the closest, most discretionary ones. Like T. So his reference in the email doesn't apply to us right now at all. (I wonder why he brought it up.)
So, does the fact that J and I are publicly dating mean that Zi is embarrassed to be with me? Like he's the "other man" or something? I'm proud of Zi. He's amazing and awesome and I want the world to know how much in love I am with him! And he wants to be my secret? I don't understand that. I hope that I'm wrong and have misunderstood his email. It's too late (time difference) to call and talk to him about it. So I am forced to wait and worry tonight until he can respond to this posting tomorrow.
I love Zi. So much!
He calls me "my queen." He washes my hair and my feet and looks into my soul with eyes that burn through my flesh, and drips into me like molasses. He curves his skinny legs around mine and cups his fingers around my ass, lingering, and bites me.
His energy sinks into my aura when we hug and he rubs his face into mine when I cry.
When we spend time together, his scent changes -- mingles with mine, reacts to mine. He alternately says he can't live without me and we have to figure out how to live and love long-distance so it can stay passionate and real and fulfilling ..... and then trips into the dank hole of giving up and says he fears he'll never see me again.
He pays attention to me. He thinks of me when we aren't together. He is sexually attractive to me and me to him. SO MUCH. Our sex is amazing. The best I've ever had -- and I've had sex with *many* men.
He gets me.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
He cooks for me and treats me like a precious commodity.
I'm fascinated by him: he's foreign, exotic, has a beautiful soul, and he speaks to me in Urdu.
He stands up to me. He's dominant. *And* submissive.
He accepts that I'm poly (tho I'm saddened to think that this is changing for him as I type this).
He aches for me.
He misses me when I'm not there.
He loves my body and my smell.
I'm so in love with him.
And I'm so afraid for us.
I'm watching him crack.
Via Skype.
When Zi is here, he is all I think about. He is all I want. Forever. That's what I feel in the moment. In that moment. Like I could drown in him forever. Only him. In my head, I know that this can't be true. Even if we were married and saw each other every blessed day, I know that eventually (maybe not for seven years, or maybe seven weeks) I will run into someone that I want to know more about and it might turn into something romantic. But in my soul and heart, while I am with Zi, he's all I want. It's so beautiful.
It's a drug. And I want more and more of it. His skin and mine. Together. Every day.
But he's not here. :( And I ache for him.
Terribly.
Especially when we are both going through such difficult times (with the distance and my new relationship with J) and I want to hold Zi tight and stroke his forehead and touch his skin that I miss so so much. I miss Zi so much I feel insane.
What's going to happen to us? Will our relationship be relegated to chatting online everyday and only seeing each other twice a year? I can't be sustained on that as my primary relationship. And neither can Zi.
I entertain thoughts of 'maybe I am monogamous'. But is that just me trying to be something that Zi wants me to be? And not me being authentic?
Whatever I am, I think it is safe to say that: I mostly prefer to expend my emotional and romantic energy on one person, but right now I'm allowing myself to display affection, sex, and love to more than one.
I'm willing to do this because I'm sad. And lonely. And I need skin to touch.
I want to trace the contours of a man's face. A soul to hold. Affection from a man.
Since Zi isn't here, I wish to do them with J.
And I hope hope hope that Zi is really ok with that, and that we can get past this storminess.
I talked to J on the phone tonight, and cried about Zi to him. I asked J if it hurt him when I was feeling so sad for Zi. J said that it didn't. At all. That he was surprisingly ok with my heart being big enough to love more than one. :) So sweet. So understanding. He said, "Pain is the tariff we owe for having big hearts." And for me to never feel guilty for feeling. Because, he said, he would much rather know someone who felt deeply (including pain), than someone who didn't feel at all because they'd stuffed it.
We also talked about us not wanting to get emotionally attached to one another because of his eventual move for (wait for it ...) a job. But. It's a little too late. The emotions are there. And they are rapidly attaching. Sigh. (What is the universe trying to tell me with having me fall for monogamous men who are, or will be moving, out of state?)(*head smack*)
J said he thinks about that everyday (his job search that could take him out of state) and sometimes even panics about it. But he is determined to not get stuck in the places where he doesn't have any control, but to stay and say, "You know what? Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love and a great new person in my life. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now I'll just be with her. And live. And laugh. And Process."
I think those are wise words.
So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J.
"Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now, I'll just be with you."
Sweet Dreams.
Faerieworlds Festival is this weekend. The Summer Solstice. Something to celebrate. But I don't feel much like celebrating.
I'm tired.
Probably not a great time to write. When I'm tired. Everything seems bigger and more dramatic when I'm tired.
Zi and I have been talking A LOT about our relationship these past two days. I feel like I have monumentally let him down. Why did I fall in love with a monogamous man? This is so painful for him, and consequently painful for me as well. Empathically I feel his pain. And frustration. And disappointment.
We both want to be together. We both love each other. We both feel an immense physical connection.
But.
He's not here.
So now what do we do?
What kind of relationship can we create with our distance that will allow us both to feel ok?
I told Zi today that one of my bottom lines in any relationship I was in right now was the freedom to connect with other men if I felt called to it. I may not. I may be monogamous in lifestyle (if not in heart) for *years* before running into someone I felt a connection with and wanted to follow it where it lead. But I needed to freedom to be able to go there. I think things happen for reasons and we meet people for those same reasons. If I meet you on my life path, it's for a reason, and I want to get to know you long enough so that I can figure out the why of that.
Zi says we hadn't talked about this before (but I know we have). Maybe it was another case of me saying and meaning one thing and him hearing it a different way than I meant. Connotations of words has suddenly become a big deal for us. We have resolved to be very clear with each other about what the meanings of our words means.
For instance,
I emailed Zi earlier today about changing my Facebook profile picture. Zi is very careful about his appearance on the internet and never shares anything personal online. He's uncomfortable with me putting up pictures of him, tagging his name on anything, or even on me writing on his Wall. He wants all communication to be private. Ok. (I'm am not a private person at all, so the concept has taken some getting used to :) but it's one that I honor because it is important to him.)
So, a couple of the pictures I took of him this past weekend were so beautiful of us, I altered them so that just partial face shots of him were there. I emailed them to him and asked which one I could put up (a couple days ago, he had said I could ... I just wanted to give him an option of which one looked better to him). And here was his emailed reply:
These pictures are good. But in light of some of the recent developments in your personal life, I am not comfortable with you posting these pics.
We always talked about our relationship and how we had agreed to keep your other relationships invisible. But now, with our circumstances changing...let me be the "invisible man" in your life.
Will always love you
I don't even know what that means. :( "In light of some of the recent developments in your personal life"? Does he mean that because I have listed J, on FB, as someone I'm in a relationship with now, Zi doesn't want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend at all? To anyone? He wants to be "invisible" now?
Why?
And the reference to keeping my other relationships invisible, that was a very specific scenario. That referred only to if Zi and I were married and if I found someone I wanted to connect with on the side (once or twice a week), it would have to be kept from our mutual circle of friends and his family. My friends could know though. But only the closest, most discretionary ones. Like T. So his reference in the email doesn't apply to us right now at all. (I wonder why he brought it up.)
So, does the fact that J and I are publicly dating mean that Zi is embarrassed to be with me? Like he's the "other man" or something? I'm proud of Zi. He's amazing and awesome and I want the world to know how much in love I am with him! And he wants to be my secret? I don't understand that. I hope that I'm wrong and have misunderstood his email. It's too late (time difference) to call and talk to him about it. So I am forced to wait and worry tonight until he can respond to this posting tomorrow.
I love Zi. So much!
He calls me "my queen." He washes my hair and my feet and looks into my soul with eyes that burn through my flesh, and drips into me like molasses. He curves his skinny legs around mine and cups his fingers around my ass, lingering, and bites me.
His energy sinks into my aura when we hug and he rubs his face into mine when I cry.
When we spend time together, his scent changes -- mingles with mine, reacts to mine. He alternately says he can't live without me and we have to figure out how to live and love long-distance so it can stay passionate and real and fulfilling ..... and then trips into the dank hole of giving up and says he fears he'll never see me again.
He pays attention to me. He thinks of me when we aren't together. He is sexually attractive to me and me to him. SO MUCH. Our sex is amazing. The best I've ever had -- and I've had sex with *many* men.
He gets me.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
He cooks for me and treats me like a precious commodity.
I'm fascinated by him: he's foreign, exotic, has a beautiful soul, and he speaks to me in Urdu.
He stands up to me. He's dominant. *And* submissive.
He accepts that I'm poly (tho I'm saddened to think that this is changing for him as I type this).
He aches for me.
He misses me when I'm not there.
He loves my body and my smell.
I'm so in love with him.
And I'm so afraid for us.
I'm watching him crack.
Via Skype.
When Zi is here, he is all I think about. He is all I want. Forever. That's what I feel in the moment. In that moment. Like I could drown in him forever. Only him. In my head, I know that this can't be true. Even if we were married and saw each other every blessed day, I know that eventually (maybe not for seven years, or maybe seven weeks) I will run into someone that I want to know more about and it might turn into something romantic. But in my soul and heart, while I am with Zi, he's all I want. It's so beautiful.
It's a drug. And I want more and more of it. His skin and mine. Together. Every day.
But he's not here. :( And I ache for him.
Terribly.
Especially when we are both going through such difficult times (with the distance and my new relationship with J) and I want to hold Zi tight and stroke his forehead and touch his skin that I miss so so much. I miss Zi so much I feel insane.
What's going to happen to us? Will our relationship be relegated to chatting online everyday and only seeing each other twice a year? I can't be sustained on that as my primary relationship. And neither can Zi.
I entertain thoughts of 'maybe I am monogamous'. But is that just me trying to be something that Zi wants me to be? And not me being authentic?
Whatever I am, I think it is safe to say that: I mostly prefer to expend my emotional and romantic energy on one person, but right now I'm allowing myself to display affection, sex, and love to more than one.
I'm willing to do this because I'm sad. And lonely. And I need skin to touch.
I want to trace the contours of a man's face. A soul to hold. Affection from a man.
Since Zi isn't here, I wish to do them with J.
And I hope hope hope that Zi is really ok with that, and that we can get past this storminess.
I talked to J on the phone tonight, and cried about Zi to him. I asked J if it hurt him when I was feeling so sad for Zi. J said that it didn't. At all. That he was surprisingly ok with my heart being big enough to love more than one. :) So sweet. So understanding. He said, "Pain is the tariff we owe for having big hearts." And for me to never feel guilty for feeling. Because, he said, he would much rather know someone who felt deeply (including pain), than someone who didn't feel at all because they'd stuffed it.
We also talked about us not wanting to get emotionally attached to one another because of his eventual move for (wait for it ...) a job. But. It's a little too late. The emotions are there. And they are rapidly attaching. Sigh. (What is the universe trying to tell me with having me fall for monogamous men who are, or will be moving, out of state?)(*head smack*)
J said he thinks about that everyday (his job search that could take him out of state) and sometimes even panics about it. But he is determined to not get stuck in the places where he doesn't have any control, but to stay and say, "You know what? Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love and a great new person in my life. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now I'll just be with her. And live. And laugh. And Process."
I think those are wise words.
So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J.
"Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now, I'll just be with you."
Sweet Dreams.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Crying Together
Crying again.
Lots of people cry during their divorce process. Only they probably don't cry because their long-distance boyfriend calls them up to say they think that your new boyfriend shouldn't have "relationship" status on Facebook because it's too soon after knowing him.
Zi and I talked at length on the phone tonight. Well, Zi talked, I cried. I cried because I thought he was mad at me (he wasn't). I cried because I thought I'd hurt him (I hadn't). I cried because I missed him. I cried because ... I needed to. I cried because I have needs I don't want to have. I cried because Zi has "unrealistic expectations" (his words) of me, and I can't meet them, and I want to be able to. I cried because he's so far away. I cried because I wanted him to be here with me -- I wanted to have had sex with *him* this morning. I cried because I want him to get the consulting job that would allow him to live anywhere in the U.S. (read: Portland, OR) even knowing that he hates consulting work and he'd be forced to do it for at least two years. I felt guilty for being weak enough to want something for myself that would hurt him. That's why I cried.
I feel worn out from my tears (and the allergy attack earlier in the day, and the short hours I slept the night before because I stayed up too late). And I'm hungry, too. Food will help me feel better, I'm sure.
Zi assured me that he wasn't mad or hurt ... just taken by surprised. When I apologized for his shock, he insisted that I shouldn't.
So, in an effort to feel better, after hanging up with him, I watched home-made Zin and Zi porn. :)
It was very effective.
Funnily enough, he Skype called me during a particularly hot scene, and we ended up crying on the video chat again. :) Sigh.
But it was beautiful. And sad. And poignant. And just what I needed actually. I need Zi to tell me what's on his mind, even if he thinks it might hurt me. And then we can process it. Together. And I need to remember that he wants the same thing from me. For me to tell him everything that goes on between me and my new J. Even if it might hurt him. Zi just needs to know. So he's not caught off guard. Like today.
Lots of people cry during their divorce process. Only they probably don't cry because their long-distance boyfriend calls them up to say they think that your new boyfriend shouldn't have "relationship" status on Facebook because it's too soon after knowing him.
Zi and I talked at length on the phone tonight. Well, Zi talked, I cried. I cried because I thought he was mad at me (he wasn't). I cried because I thought I'd hurt him (I hadn't). I cried because I missed him. I cried because ... I needed to. I cried because I have needs I don't want to have. I cried because Zi has "unrealistic expectations" (his words) of me, and I can't meet them, and I want to be able to. I cried because he's so far away. I cried because I wanted him to be here with me -- I wanted to have had sex with *him* this morning. I cried because I want him to get the consulting job that would allow him to live anywhere in the U.S. (read: Portland, OR) even knowing that he hates consulting work and he'd be forced to do it for at least two years. I felt guilty for being weak enough to want something for myself that would hurt him. That's why I cried.
I feel worn out from my tears (and the allergy attack earlier in the day, and the short hours I slept the night before because I stayed up too late). And I'm hungry, too. Food will help me feel better, I'm sure.
Zi assured me that he wasn't mad or hurt ... just taken by surprised. When I apologized for his shock, he insisted that I shouldn't.
So, in an effort to feel better, after hanging up with him, I watched home-made Zin and Zi porn. :)
It was very effective.
Funnily enough, he Skype called me during a particularly hot scene, and we ended up crying on the video chat again. :) Sigh.
But it was beautiful. And sad. And poignant. And just what I needed actually. I need Zi to tell me what's on his mind, even if he thinks it might hurt me. And then we can process it. Together. And I need to remember that he wants the same thing from me. For me to tell him everything that goes on between me and my new J. Even if it might hurt him. Zi just needs to know. So he's not caught off guard. Like today.
"Don't leave me emotionally"
That is what Zin said a few weeks ago during one of our late night Skype sessions. The grainy video on my laptop screen did very little to hide the apparent tears forming at the edge of her bluish-green eyes. “You have already left me physically”, she had mentioned earlier. Going forward, I did not anticipate how much those words would haunt me.
Why did this happen to us?
I left Oregon in April after having lost my job. With my visa status and future in the United States at peril, I had to make the hard decision of moving to the North-east to find a job. Since then, we both have communicated online and talked extensively about the future of our relationship. It has become apparent to me that she needs her emotional and physical needs taken care of. This aspect becomes more critical to me when I remind myself about the reasons she left her husband , that being her unmet needs. As a result, I have mentally wrestled with all the dystopian possibilities of our relationship. I have arrived at the conclusion that the only way I can keep her in my life is to encourage her to meet other men. So that way she could lead a balanced life without my physical presence and perhaps be insured against the vagaries of our own circumstances. Also, this would be a litmus test for the polyamorous soul within Zin.
Various circumstances, most of which are beyond our control, have led to our relationship not reaching a point of maturity. How can I continue this journey with Zin - being so far away and without her touch, without our physical chemistry?
I need to see her more often.
Last week, on a whim I bought a ticket and visited her for the weekend. We spent our time making love, watching movies and talking about her new love interest. I have never doubted her love for me and now, on my insistence, she has started seeing another man. I was surprised at the pace at which she has immersed herself in this relationship.
“I always move fast”, she has told me time and time again. I can see the gumption in her approach but I still would prefer that she takes things a little slowly, for her own good and maybe mine.
Also, I have tried my best to suppress and kill my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to hinder Zin from spreading her wings and indulging her body and mind.
“I always move fast”, she has told me time and time again. I can see the gumption in her approach but I still would prefer that she takes things a little slowly, for her own good and maybe mine.
Also, I have tried my best to suppress and kill my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to hinder Zin from spreading her wings and indulging her body and mind.
She should not sacrifice her freedom for me or for that matter, any man.
~ Zi
Saturday, June 11, 2011
weekend bliss and bittersweetness
Aashik is playing "Werewolf" by Cat Power and making breakfast for me and the kids. He spontaneously bought a $700 ticket to come see me on Thursday night. It's Saturday now. He leaves Monday night. I'm ecstatic, sad, hopeful, and in that weird holding your breath place. We are consciously being in the now.
"I'm not leaving, in the now," he said this morning. And I cried.
We acknowledge our intense love and connection ... and wonder what it's for if we can't be together. Are we supposed to design our own kind of relationship? What should we call it? What should we call each other? (There are those 'shoulds' again...)
"I love you. You're so beautiful," he said and touched my chin.
Wrapped in each other's arms this morning, we whispered.
We whispered about our fears
And our dreams
And our hopes that we aren't ready to give up on.
We whispered about our love, and our desires, and I cried and grinded my hips into his and he kissed away my tears.
I'm fraught with confusion and pain and gratitude.
Confusion for what this tearing apart of us is for -- because there must be a reason for the Universe's cruelty; Pain for the separateness that it seems we must live right now; and gratitude for my lover's kindness and love and devotion.
I don't want to talk about the future here right now.
It's uncertain. And scary.
And stubbornly still hopeful.
I have optimism for us.
We will always be connected -- no matter what.
We will always love each other -- no matter what.
We will always be in each other's lives -- no matter what.
We just don't know how that will manifest.
"I'm not leaving, in the now," he said this morning. And I cried.
We acknowledge our intense love and connection ... and wonder what it's for if we can't be together. Are we supposed to design our own kind of relationship? What should we call it? What should we call each other? (There are those 'shoulds' again...)
"I love you. You're so beautiful," he said and touched my chin.
Wrapped in each other's arms this morning, we whispered.
We whispered about our fears
And our dreams
And our hopes that we aren't ready to give up on.
We whispered about our love, and our desires, and I cried and grinded my hips into his and he kissed away my tears.
I'm fraught with confusion and pain and gratitude.
Confusion for what this tearing apart of us is for -- because there must be a reason for the Universe's cruelty; Pain for the separateness that it seems we must live right now; and gratitude for my lover's kindness and love and devotion.
I don't want to talk about the future here right now.
It's uncertain. And scary.
And stubbornly still hopeful.
I have optimism for us.
We will always be connected -- no matter what.
We will always love each other -- no matter what.
We will always be in each other's lives -- no matter what.
We just don't know how that will manifest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)