That is what Zin said a few weeks ago during one of our late night Skype sessions. The grainy video on my laptop screen did very little to hide the apparent tears forming at the edge of her bluish-green eyes. “You have already left me physically”, she had mentioned earlier. Going forward, I did not anticipate how much those words would haunt me.
Why did this happen to us?
I left Oregon in April after having lost my job. With my visa status and future in the United States at peril, I had to make the hard decision of moving to the North-east to find a job. Since then, we both have communicated online and talked extensively about the future of our relationship. It has become apparent to me that she needs her emotional and physical needs taken care of. This aspect becomes more critical to me when I remind myself about the reasons she left her husband , that being her unmet needs. As a result, I have mentally wrestled with all the dystopian possibilities of our relationship. I have arrived at the conclusion that the only way I can keep her in my life is to encourage her to meet other men. So that way she could lead a balanced life without my physical presence and perhaps be insured against the vagaries of our own circumstances. Also, this would be a litmus test for the polyamorous soul within Zin.
Various circumstances, most of which are beyond our control, have led to our relationship not reaching a point of maturity. How can I continue this journey with Zin - being so far away and without her touch, without our physical chemistry?
I need to see her more often.
Last week, on a whim I bought a ticket and visited her for the weekend. We spent our time making love, watching movies and talking about her new love interest. I have never doubted her love for me and now, on my insistence, she has started seeing another man. I was surprised at the pace at which she has immersed herself in this relationship.
“I always move fast”, she has told me time and time again. I can see the gumption in her approach but I still would prefer that she takes things a little slowly, for her own good and maybe mine.
Also, I have tried my best to suppress and kill my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to hinder Zin from spreading her wings and indulging her body and mind.
“I always move fast”, she has told me time and time again. I can see the gumption in her approach but I still would prefer that she takes things a little slowly, for her own good and maybe mine.
Also, I have tried my best to suppress and kill my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to hinder Zin from spreading her wings and indulging her body and mind.
She should not sacrifice her freedom for me or for that matter, any man.
~ Zi
What are you insecure about, Zi?
ReplyDeleteAnd "killing" your feelings of insecurity (or any emotion) only serves to make them bigger. Acknowledging that they are there and saying them out loud often serve to dispel a lot of their import. Stuffing them makes them worse.
xo
My insecurities are not related to your new relationship, rather they are primarily related to the physical distance between us and a fear that we may both gradually forget each other since we see so little of each other.
ReplyDeleteAww. I'll never forget you. I'll never forget your heart and it's capacity to love me, nor will I forget how amazing your soul is. And how we connect spiritually and physically.
ReplyDeleteAlso,
I'll never forget your cock. ;)
(And yes, I put that here. Bare and Raw, baby. :))