Aashik is playing "Werewolf" by Cat Power and making breakfast for me and the kids. He spontaneously bought a $700 ticket to come see me on Thursday night. It's Saturday now. He leaves Monday night. I'm ecstatic, sad, hopeful, and in that weird holding your breath place. We are consciously being in the now.
"I'm not leaving, in the now," he said this morning. And I cried.
We acknowledge our intense love and connection ... and wonder what it's for if we can't be together. Are we supposed to design our own kind of relationship? What should we call it? What should we call each other? (There are those 'shoulds' again...)
"I love you. You're so beautiful," he said and touched my chin.
Wrapped in each other's arms this morning, we whispered.
We whispered about our fears
And our dreams
And our hopes that we aren't ready to give up on.
We whispered about our love, and our desires, and I cried and grinded my hips into his and he kissed away my tears.
I'm fraught with confusion and pain and gratitude.
Confusion for what this tearing apart of us is for -- because there must be a reason for the Universe's cruelty; Pain for the separateness that it seems we must live right now; and gratitude for my lover's kindness and love and devotion.
I don't want to talk about the future here right now.
It's uncertain. And scary.
And stubbornly still hopeful.
I have optimism for us.
We will always be connected -- no matter what.
We will always love each other -- no matter what.
We will always be in each other's lives -- no matter what.
We just don't know how that will manifest.
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