Crying Together

Crying again.

Lots of people cry during their divorce process. Only they probably don't cry because their long-distance boyfriend calls them up to say they think that your new boyfriend shouldn't have "relationship" status on Facebook because it's too soon after knowing him.

Zi and I talked at length on the phone tonight. Well, Zi talked, I cried. I cried because I thought he was mad at me (he wasn't). I cried because I thought I'd hurt him (I hadn't). I cried because I missed him. I cried because ... I needed to. I cried because I have needs I don't want to have. I cried because Zi has "unrealistic expectations" (his words) of me, and I can't meet them, and I want to be able to. I cried because he's so far away. I cried because I wanted him to be here with me -- I wanted to have had sex with *him* this morning. I cried because I want him to get the consulting job that would allow him to live anywhere in the U.S. (read: Portland, OR) even knowing that he hates consulting work and he'd be forced to do it for at least two years. I felt guilty for being weak enough to want something for myself that would hurt him. That's why I cried.

I feel worn out from my tears (and the allergy attack earlier in the day, and the short hours I slept the night before because I stayed up too late). And I'm hungry, too. Food will help me feel better, I'm sure.

Zi assured me that he wasn't mad or hurt ... just taken by surprised. When I apologized for his shock, he insisted that I shouldn't.

So, in an effort to feel better, after hanging up with him, I watched home-made Zin and Zi porn. :)
It was very effective.

Funnily enough, he Skype called me during a particularly hot scene, and we ended up crying on the video chat again. :) Sigh.

But it was beautiful. And sad. And poignant. And just what I needed actually. I need Zi to tell me what's on his mind, even if he thinks it might hurt me. And then we can process it. Together. And I need to remember that he wants the same thing from me. For me to tell him everything that goes on between me and my new J. Even if it might hurt him. Zi just needs to know. So he's not caught off guard. Like today.