Back and Forth.

Late last night, Zi and I talked some more. We cried on Skype and I ended up voicing things I'd previously felt uncomfortable saying -- like, I don't want you to date other women but I want to be able to date J -- even though it screams inequality. And, "I'm polyamorous," even though I was terrified he'd leave, saying it was all just too hard to deal with.

He didn't. He said, "In order for this relationship to work, one of us needs to sacrifice. Let me be the one, because you are not able to right now." So we left it with him not dating other women and me able to date others without limit to the style of relationship. Him trying (re-doubling his efforts) to get back to Eugene (or at least the NW) in the next two months, and him moving in with me.

I felt happy, secure, loved and trusted. I went to J's after that, had sex and talked about family and relationships and books and art and the colors we see when we fuck.

Then.

Zi called me this morning angry and hurt and scared and telling me he didn't think I loved him. It was terrible. I had no idea what to do. It was like watching him get hit by a car and die right in front of me. I just held him with my words and my spirit over the phone waves and hoped against all hope that he felt it.

We hung up, I went to a chiro appt, I drove to work, I texted him, he texted back that maybe I just didn't love him the way he loved me (admitting, at least, that he believed I did love him), I worked my shift and then called him right afterwards. We talked some more. He apologized for "going off" on me, and that he wasn't angry with me, just at the situation. He's been asking me to write down for him what exactly I want from him, and what exactly I can give him (also in the range of best case scenario of him living in eugene, to the worst case scenario of us breaking up and just being friends, what did i consider the next level above us just being friends.) So. Homework from him. Which I'm glad to do. It helps me know myself better (and serves Aashik's need to learn more about me.)

The next to last worst case scenario regarding Aashik and I would be me committing to a monogamous relationship with him. Back to square one. No evolving. No personal growth or exploration for me. But. In return, love. Being in love. (Something I didn't end up having for my soon to be ex.) The best cock ever. Being worshipped. Never doubting his love for me (like I did with my s.t.b.ex.) And fun exotic dreams for the future with a man that makes me feel like no other does.

I hung up feeling a little bit better in heart .... went to my writer's critique group meeting and when I got home we Skyped. He again reiterated his apologies and the previous days proposal of him not dating anyone else for now and that I can have freedom to date whomever I choose, "and we'll see what happens. See? I'm using your words. I'm trying to be more like you. Because if I don't, I'll break. I'll go crazy."

I felt so uneasy. On the one hand, he was giving me exactly what I asked for. But on the other .... the skin around his eyes looked fake. He smiled with his lips and not his mouth. It looked false ... and like he was already cracking.

We talked more. And more. And more. (I'm getting nothing done within the rest of the my personal life. I've dropped everything to fix this.) And I finally got (again) to a place where I trust his words. He loves me, he's not leaving me, he's trying to get a job in the NW .... and he accepts me for who I am. And we'll see.

That last part causes me anxiety.
And when I share that with him, he smiles.
But not maliciously.
And says, "Now you know how I feel. What was that? 3 seconds you felt that? I've felt it for a whole *week.*"

So we'll see.