I'm staggering under the pain of this separation between Zi and I, and how soon I feel like I'm once again forced into this conundrum of monogamy or polyamory.
Zi loves me, worships me, would do anything for me ... move mountains to be with me. And he is seriously having challenges with me dating J. He wants me to want him and him alone. If there was no emotional attachment, if it was purely for sexual release and some skin touching .... "dating" J would be totally fine with Zi. But. Can I do that? Can I stay out of my heart when I'm with J?
J is art. He's playful and we read to each other.
I *feel* like an artist when I'm with him. I'm inspired to see the textures in leaves differently, and notice how the grass feels on my feet when I'm with him. He inspires me to create.
He loves me completely. He loves me even when I miss Zi and curl up in J's lap and cry to him about Zi and how much I miss him. He seems more accepting of my polyamory than Zi is. But J is still monogamous. Maybe the *same* thing will happen with J at a later date -- maybe *he'll* tell me (like my ex, and like Zi) that he wants me to love him and him alone and that me being with Zi is breaking J apart. ....
J talks like I do. About spirituality and non-violent communication, and he understands my son's special needs even better than my soon to be ex husband does. Even before meeting my son. He gets along great with them and he *really* likes them. He finds my idiosynchrocies 'adorable.'
His family and friends already like me and are so happy I'm in J's life, and they haven't even met me.
That's all heady stuff. *Can* I distance myself from that and only have a physical relationship with J? He is, after all, leaving. Just like Zi. I can't survive more leavings. Rob left me in death, Zi left me for an immigration fuck up, and J is planning to leave for work. (shaking head) Why go there? AND he's monogamous. Double fuck up.
In Zi's words: "The next person you date needs to be polyamorous. It's not good for you, nor the monogamous men, to go through this pain."
But ....
It is clear that you are falling in love with J.
ReplyDeleteI want you to think about why my reaction has been so, you were also going through the same thoughts when I was just meeting my ex-girl friend.
I quote you..
"And in my head I am fine with him having sex with other women. To be honest, not so much with having a romantic relationship with another woman -- but sex I can wrap my head around. But last night I was anxious and I didn't know why."
I want you to address this irony in your next blog post.