Living authentically and its costs

I consider myself to be fairly open to possibilities and am willing to tread the path less taken. This philosophy has led me to meeting Zin. Fast forward 8 months, we both have become passionate lovers. Our relationship was partly responsible for her divorce. She chose to pursue me and leave her previous relationship, which lasted 9 years, Does this say something about her desire for me or  my perception of why she left her previous relationship?

We face significant challenges in our relationship. The biggest one being the distance between us. I am beginning to realize that another big challenge is Zin’s emotional awareness. It is like a moving target.  At one time, she felt that the only reason she was leaving her ex is that she never got the time & attention she needed, and perhaps it was not related to polyamory. Another time she told me that she can potentially be monogamous with me since I fill all her needs. As of today morning, she told me that her new love interest fills her needs in ways I don't.

In order to deal with this nebulousness I proactively decided to accept her  “potential” polyamorous nature, provided her other relationships were secondary to ours. It has become obvious that we both were on different pages when we made this agreement. According to her last post, this agreement would be valid only if we were married.

While I do agree with her, we still maintained a relationship dynamic which gave me the impression that I would be her primary lover. Her intent further indicated so. Why else would she want me to live and work in the Eugene area? Why else would she talk about starting a family? Why else would she behave in a way as though I was the only man she wanted to be with? Why else would she feel guilty about meeting other men (which I originally thought were meant for her specific needs).

I confirm my thoughts by quoting Zin from earlier posts..

“I went out last night with someone. It felt wrong. NOT authentic. Afterwards I came home, didn't even brush my teeth. I just kicked off my shoes, pulled off my jeans and crawled in my bed. Bra still on, necklace on “

“I've tried dating others since he's left, but .... no. I just miss him. When I'm out with anyone else, it's Aashik I think of. “

I am not naive about our challenges and do expect her to meet other men. BUT I subconsciously expected her to move very gradually with any new relationship especially considering she had made me feel like I was the only man she wanted until now. Also, I felt that she understood me at a level where she would be mindful of my emotional situation related to my career and life in the United states.

Perhaps, I was asking for too much. Perhaps, the Zin I knew was a figment of my imagination which was fueled by own need to connect with a wonderful woman. I feel stupid.

“So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J.”

My Dearest Zin,

Do you realize that in the above statement you are addressing/grouping a man you met three weeks ago along with me - a man who you considered to be connected to in body & soul, a man who you have desired to start a family with, a man who held your hand and your heart while you both danced the night away in Portland, a man who introduced you to Ittar and loved sharing his culture with you, a man you desired to visit India with, a man who sneaked out of work to meet you during rainy afternoons...

Perhaps, I would have been comfortable with the situation if this new “relationship” had grown gradually. This clearly has not happened and I don’t want to be an impediment to your new feelings.

 I am not letting go of you this easily.
I want to continue our relationship but propose certain changes.

I want you to consider our relationship as a secondary one. So that you can pursue something long term and primary in your town. In my absence, if you can develop such strong feelings for a man in three weeks then you will eventually want more  as time progresses . I don't want to be in a situation where one day I will have the geographic freedom to be closer to you but will have to contend with a person with whom you may have a stronger connection with.

I don't want to take that risk. I will not survive it. 

So consider making me your secondary relationship or in my words...” a need”.

 I still love you very much.

Zi.