Aashik spent the night with an ex-girlfriend last night. I'm extremely curious as to what went on. I imagine laughing on the couch together and reminiscing, eating together, and ... crawling into bed together.
Aashik's told me there is nothing romantic between them -- although they do flirt sometimes -- and because they live in different states they don't see each other often at all. In fact, it's been a year since he's last seen her. But their dynamic since they've broken up has been as friends with benefits. They don't see each other for a year, get together, fuck, and then don't see each other for ages again. So, when a job interview came up in the state next to hers, he made plans to stay the night with her on his way to his interview.
Makes sense.
And he told me immediately and asked me how I felt about it. He said, "If you tell me you don't want me to do anything with her, I won't." Which was reassuring and sweet and .... well, sexy.
My response was that we hadn't ever talked about being exclusive, and that since he didn't 'want' me to be exclusive over here (he doesn't want me to be lonely), I didn't feel comfortable asking him to be exclusive ....
He wasn't satisfied with that. :) He told me it didn't matter about the inequality of it for now, that it didn't matter about not having talked about it before .... he wanted to know how I felt about this particular situation.
So, how did I feel about it?
I struggled with it while we talked via Skype. He reassured me that while sex between he and I was hot and shared an emotional component, sex with someone else would be just sex. "Masturbation with a body," he said.
Cool. :) Masturbation with a body I can handle. Plus, he said that he wouldn't try to instigate anything, but that if she came on to him ... he would just go with the flow and see where it took him. I was comfortable with that.
So yesterday I texted him to see if he'd safely made it to his destination.
"Yes ttyl" was the response. Ok. So he was busy. I get that. :)
I floated in mindlessness for an hour or so -- napping, watched part of a documentary on Islam, Facebooked -- then pulled myself up to the task of working on my manuscript. Seven hours. Seven hours straight I worked .... and every once in awhile I'd think, "I should get ready for bed," but I didn't want to face the empty bed. I also knew that if I climbed into that empty bed (that had not so long ago held both Aashik and me), I would be thinking of Aashik and his ex spending the night together.
I tried really analyzing my feelings and seeing if I had issue with Aashik sleeping with other women. I mean, let's get real. He's a man. :) And while he tells me right now that he has no eyes for other women (a statement which I greedily slurp up every time he says it), I imagine that if forced to live apart for years ... he's going to need to have sex with other women. Maybe. At least that's the story I'm telling myself today. Maybe he wouldn't need ... he keeps telling me he's wired differently than most men.
Hmm.
Well, anyway. My thoughts about Aashik sleeping with other women ... his ex last night in particular.
I don't even know yet if he did anything. I texted him again several hours later (when I knew he'd probably already be in bed, and if he was doing anything with her, would be in the middle of that ... but early enough yet that there was a possibility he'd still be up and if he was, he could text me back.) I just said good night and that I'd love to hear from him after his interview today. (I just looked at the time .... he's in his interview right now!) I got no response to the text. :)
I'm sure I'll get a full accounting of his time, and I totally trust Aashik to be honest with me. He's proved himself to be that time and time again. And in my head I am fine with him having sex with other women. To be honest, not so much with having a romantic relationship with another woman -- but sex I can wrap my head around. But last night I was anxious and I didn't know why. I trust Aashik, and even if he has sex with his ex I'm ok with it, right? So why the anxiety?
My head was ok with it, but what about my heart? What about my cells? Were they ok with him having sex with other people?
I looked under all the layers to see. Under the layers of his clothes, and his cologne and his smell, and my smell and my skin, and into my soul. Because this was important. If Aashik and I are to have a long distance relationship for any substantial length of time, I need to know if I'm ok with him having sex or having a girlfriend or whatever. So, truth time.
And under all that searching, I think what came to me is that I was missing Aashik. I was lonely. And I ached for him. It wasn't the thought of him having sex with his ex that was making me feel sad, it was that he would be crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around someone he cared about ... and I wanted to do that. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and feel his hot skin. And curl up inside his arms.
I just missed him.
I miss him now.
Aashik's told me there is nothing romantic between them -- although they do flirt sometimes -- and because they live in different states they don't see each other often at all. In fact, it's been a year since he's last seen her. But their dynamic since they've broken up has been as friends with benefits. They don't see each other for a year, get together, fuck, and then don't see each other for ages again. So, when a job interview came up in the state next to hers, he made plans to stay the night with her on his way to his interview.
Makes sense.
And he told me immediately and asked me how I felt about it. He said, "If you tell me you don't want me to do anything with her, I won't." Which was reassuring and sweet and .... well, sexy.
My response was that we hadn't ever talked about being exclusive, and that since he didn't 'want' me to be exclusive over here (he doesn't want me to be lonely), I didn't feel comfortable asking him to be exclusive ....
He wasn't satisfied with that. :) He told me it didn't matter about the inequality of it for now, that it didn't matter about not having talked about it before .... he wanted to know how I felt about this particular situation.
So, how did I feel about it?
I struggled with it while we talked via Skype. He reassured me that while sex between he and I was hot and shared an emotional component, sex with someone else would be just sex. "Masturbation with a body," he said.
Cool. :) Masturbation with a body I can handle. Plus, he said that he wouldn't try to instigate anything, but that if she came on to him ... he would just go with the flow and see where it took him. I was comfortable with that.
So yesterday I texted him to see if he'd safely made it to his destination.
"Yes ttyl" was the response. Ok. So he was busy. I get that. :)
I floated in mindlessness for an hour or so -- napping, watched part of a documentary on Islam, Facebooked -- then pulled myself up to the task of working on my manuscript. Seven hours. Seven hours straight I worked .... and every once in awhile I'd think, "I should get ready for bed," but I didn't want to face the empty bed. I also knew that if I climbed into that empty bed (that had not so long ago held both Aashik and me), I would be thinking of Aashik and his ex spending the night together.
I tried really analyzing my feelings and seeing if I had issue with Aashik sleeping with other women. I mean, let's get real. He's a man. :) And while he tells me right now that he has no eyes for other women (a statement which I greedily slurp up every time he says it), I imagine that if forced to live apart for years ... he's going to need to have sex with other women. Maybe. At least that's the story I'm telling myself today. Maybe he wouldn't need ... he keeps telling me he's wired differently than most men.
Hmm.
Well, anyway. My thoughts about Aashik sleeping with other women ... his ex last night in particular.
I don't even know yet if he did anything. I texted him again several hours later (when I knew he'd probably already be in bed, and if he was doing anything with her, would be in the middle of that ... but early enough yet that there was a possibility he'd still be up and if he was, he could text me back.) I just said good night and that I'd love to hear from him after his interview today. (I just looked at the time .... he's in his interview right now!) I got no response to the text. :)
I'm sure I'll get a full accounting of his time, and I totally trust Aashik to be honest with me. He's proved himself to be that time and time again. And in my head I am fine with him having sex with other women. To be honest, not so much with having a romantic relationship with another woman -- but sex I can wrap my head around. But last night I was anxious and I didn't know why. I trust Aashik, and even if he has sex with his ex I'm ok with it, right? So why the anxiety?
My head was ok with it, but what about my heart? What about my cells? Were they ok with him having sex with other people?
I looked under all the layers to see. Under the layers of his clothes, and his cologne and his smell, and my smell and my skin, and into my soul. Because this was important. If Aashik and I are to have a long distance relationship for any substantial length of time, I need to know if I'm ok with him having sex or having a girlfriend or whatever. So, truth time.
And under all that searching, I think what came to me is that I was missing Aashik. I was lonely. And I ached for him. It wasn't the thought of him having sex with his ex that was making me feel sad, it was that he would be crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around someone he cared about ... and I wanted to do that. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and feel his hot skin. And curl up inside his arms.
I just missed him.
I miss him now.
