fly on the wall cam

masturbated
ate a bagel
looked for writing jobs
texted Zi
played with my Nook (tried to download an update but failed to figure out how)
thought of a book review I wanted to write
opened windows to the Spring morning
thought about making chai, taking the dog for a walk, and doing kriya. but didn't. but will.
listened to starred collection on Spotify while trying again with the Nook.
Success!
looked for more writing jobs
let the dog out
remembered about still undone homework
spent way too much time on my ok cupid iPhone app
promised the dog a walk
took a shower
thought a lot about the futility of dating someone new when I'm still in love with Zi
rested on the couch with my snack and answered a bunch more questions on the aforementioned app
napped
forced myself up
regretted staying up until 3am reading the night before
turned off the Arabic Flamenco music
let the dog out
added two years to my age range on ok cupid
forced myself to do homework
finished my homework and posted it
got dressed
thought how much this year has aged me. in my face and my body. (Funny. I've both been awakened to gloriousness, and my eyes and soul have sparkled in love and devotion to my eternal Man, ... and conversely shrouded myself in widow whites for the depression and scratchiness and raw pain of loving someone you cannot have -- and the kicker is -- he loves me back. Layla and Majnun. Only it is I who feel like Majnun. And my Layla is married to New Jersey, against her will.)
checked emails
drank water
made a to do list
went for promised walk
looked for kurtis online. more expensive than I was hoping for.
ate a banana
read online magazine called Khabar
remembered more homework
made popcorn
super tired thinking of my to do list



This is what depression looked like last weekend. I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I was angry with Zi and threw a milk carton at the wall. I've never done that before.

Zi talked me into a better mood. More hopeful. Yesterday was bad. But today will be good.
Inshallah.

Udasi

Dripping
Stretching
Like a Salvador Dali painting
I'm pulling apart.

I don't even know what to do. Where to go.

Maybe I'm taking myself too seriously.
But I can't breathe.
My wooden lungs don't expand anymore.

Mein tum se pyaar karti hoon, Zi.
I don't know how to be anymore.
Without you.

Scalpel

There's nothing more sad than changing your Facebook status from 'in a relationship' to 'it's complicated.'

But then,

I deleted my FB cover photo of our hands intertwined.

And then,

even worse

I changed my blog description from "a mama writer swirls in her fascination with India while balancing five jobs and a long-distance, inter-racial relationship" (which identified and described me so perfectly) to ....  "a Pacific Northwest writer mama swirls in her fascination with India while balancing five jobs."

Deleting "long-distance, inter-racial relationship" felt like throwing away Rob's toothbrush when he died.

A whole half of me is gone.

We dated for a year and a half. Now who am I?

Again

I’m staring at the wall again.

It feels like a boulder is pressing on my lungs again.

I’m in that place where I can’t breathe. Where I can’t think. Where I can only mourn.

Whatever that means.

I’m in that place, again, where all I want to do is sleep. Where all I want to do is watch movies to escape.

Again.

Where I want to touch myself to forget.

Where I want to touch myself to remember.

Again.

I’m in that place again where sleep often mocks me dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd unless I’m falling asleep at the keyboard.

Where I float through my life’s existence like a ghost, watching from above.

I want to crawl under a mossy log and hide from drippy wet rain that seeps into the knees of my jeans, and mats my hair.

It’s that time again where I have to breathe fast and shallow to get enough air, because my lungs have so much weight on them I can’t wiggle out from under it.

It’s that time again when the alarm is going off and I can’t find the off switch.

It’s that time again where I turn the crank on the popcorn maker and nothing pops. I just turn and turn and turn. And I think of how that’s a pretty crummy metaphor for my life right now, but then a breeze forces it’s way past the blinds and lifts my hair, cooling me.

And tickles my calves.

And I smile in spite of myself.

I'm really good at lying

I’m really good at lying to myself. But I wish I weren’t.

“I love the extreme-ness of my boot camp class. It’s the only way I can get myself to do exercise.”  (It sucks ass. I hate it.)

“I want to read books and review them for my blogs. It’ll be good for platform building and give me new content.” (Assigned reading has become my enemy. I’m starting to hate it. A chore list to hock spit wads at.)

“Leading the meetings for the writer’s organization I’m in is fulfilling and will be great for networking. I’ll meet so many authors!” (Chore list. And I’m uber anxious over remembering the random yet oh so important tasks that come up never at once but all spread out during the month … like, sending out press releases and contacting the speakers to confirm they are coming. And then … getting a babysitter for the meeting night and running the meeting, and driving the babysitter home with the kids in the car at 9:30 at night on a school night because the babysitter doesn’t have a car yet. Fuck, maybe she doesn’t even drive.)

“I love my job!” (It’s hard work … even if it’s only three or four hours a day, five days a week. Right in the middle of the day. My most productive writing hours of the day.)

“This divorce is easy. No sweat. Nothing much has changed, really. Hahaha.” (The parenting visitation schedule blows just a little bit. My ex didn’t bother to lose weight until after I split. I don’t get to go to Costa Rica. And I miss my fucking dog.)

“I have plenty of money.” (Ok. So this one isn’t a lie, but I can’t seem to figure out what I’m doing wrong on the managing of it and it’s super stressful. Paycheck to paycheck stressful.)

“Living in an apartment is way easier. I really like where I live.” (I miss my dog. I miss having chickens. I miss my hot tub. I miss having a back yard and the ability to grow something in the earth. I miss the damn roses I planted that look great in my ex’s yard. I miss my washer and dryer.)

“Sure I miss N. but we’re doing great on the communicating long distance and I’m taking it one day at a time. I can handle the distance and the time apart. He’s totally worth the wait.” (Ok. So most of this isn’t a lie either. I do love him. He is totally worth the wait. But I’m not taking it one day at a time; I’m not handling the distance and the time apart. It’s been 74 days since I’ve been in the same room with him. Touched him. Kissed him. Or held him. I’m starting to fall apart. I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I’m getting tired all the time. I don’t want to eat anything. Except maybe marshmallows … and I hate marshmallows. And I’m staring at the walls again. I’m irritated all the time now and … I’m finding it hard to breathe. And I hate everything. And I’m … thinking too much. And … I’m trying to repress my desire for male attention.)

I Miss Zi so much I Feel Insane.

I'm feeling beat up today. My head hurts from crying ... and probably not drinking enough water. And stress. And too much on my plate right now. And not having a regular schedule in which to do anything. I feel like I'm behind on everything -- making hotel reservations in Sunriver, now one for Portland, making flight reservations for Massachusetts, signing up for the Willamette Writers Conference (and the hotel reservations for that, too) and and and and and and. It goes on and on.

Faerieworlds Festival is this weekend. The Summer Solstice. Something to celebrate. But I don't feel much like celebrating.

I'm tired.

Probably not a great time to write. When I'm tired. Everything seems bigger and more dramatic when I'm tired.

Zi and I have been talking A LOT about our relationship these past two days. I feel like I have monumentally let him down. Why did I fall in love with a monogamous man? This is so painful for him, and consequently painful for me as well. Empathically I feel his pain. And frustration. And disappointment.

We both want to be together. We both love each other. We both feel an immense physical connection.
But.
He's not here.
So now what do we do?
What kind of relationship can we create with our distance that will allow us both to feel ok?

I told Zi today that one of my bottom lines in any relationship I was in right now was the freedom to connect with other men if I felt called to it. I may not. I may be monogamous in lifestyle (if not in heart) for *years* before running into someone I felt a connection with and wanted to follow it where it lead. But I needed to freedom to be able to go there. I think things happen for reasons and we meet people for those same reasons. If I meet you on my life path, it's for a reason, and I want to get to know you long enough so that I can figure out the why of that.

Zi says we hadn't talked about this before (but I know we have). Maybe it was another case of me saying and meaning one thing and him hearing it a different way than I meant. Connotations of words has suddenly become a big deal for us. We have resolved to be very clear with each other about what the meanings of our words means.

For instance,
I emailed Zi earlier today about changing my Facebook profile picture. Zi is very careful about his appearance on the internet and never shares anything personal online. He's uncomfortable with me putting up pictures of him, tagging his name on anything, or even on me writing on his Wall. He wants all communication to be private. Ok. (I'm am not a private person at all, so the concept has taken some getting used to :) but it's one that I honor because it is important to him.)

So, a couple of the pictures I took of him this past weekend were so beautiful of us, I altered them so that just partial face shots of him were there. I emailed them to him and asked which one I could put up (a couple days ago, he had said I could ... I just wanted to give him an option of which one looked better to him). And here was his emailed reply:

These pictures are good. But in light of some of the recent developments in your personal life, I am not comfortable with you posting these pics.

We  always talked about our relationship and how we had agreed to keep your other relationships invisible. But now, with our circumstances changing...let me be the "invisible man" in your life.

Will always love you


I don't even know what that means. :( "In light of some of the recent developments in your personal life"? Does he mean that because I have listed J, on FB, as someone I'm in a relationship with now, Zi doesn't want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend at all? To anyone? He wants to be "invisible" now?
Why?


And the reference to keeping my other relationships invisible, that was a very specific scenario. That referred only to if Zi and I were married and if I found someone I wanted to connect with on the side (once or twice a week), it would have to be kept from our mutual circle of friends and his family. My friends could know though. But only the closest, most discretionary ones. Like T. So his reference in the email doesn't apply to us right now at all. (I wonder why he brought it up.)


So, does the fact that J and I are publicly dating mean that Zi is embarrassed to be with me? Like he's the "other man" or something? I'm proud of Zi. He's amazing and awesome and I want the world to know how much in love I am with him! And he wants to be my secret? I don't understand that. I hope that I'm wrong and have misunderstood his email. It's too late (time difference) to call and talk to him about it. So I am forced to wait and worry tonight until he can respond to this posting tomorrow.


I love Zi. So much!


He calls me "my queen." He washes my hair and my feet and looks into my soul with eyes that burn through my flesh, and drips into me like molasses. He curves his skinny legs around mine and cups his fingers around my ass, lingering, and bites me.


His energy sinks into my aura when we hug and he rubs his face into mine when I cry.


When we spend time together, his scent changes -- mingles with mine, reacts to mine. He alternately says he can't live without me and we have to figure out how to live and love long-distance so it can stay passionate and real and fulfilling ..... and then trips into the dank hole of giving up and says he fears he'll never see me again.


He pays attention to me. He thinks of me when we aren't together. He is sexually attractive to me and me to him. SO MUCH. Our sex is amazing. The best I've ever had -- and I've had sex with *many* men.


He gets me.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
He cooks for me and treats me like a precious commodity.
I'm fascinated by him: he's foreign, exotic, has a beautiful soul, and he speaks to me in Urdu.
He stands up to me. He's dominant. *And* submissive. 
He accepts that I'm poly (tho I'm saddened to think that this is changing for him as I type this).
He aches for me.
He misses me when I'm not there.
He loves my body and my smell.


I'm so in love with him.


And I'm so afraid for us.
I'm watching him crack.
Via Skype.


When Zi is here, he is all I think about. He is all I want. Forever. That's what I feel in the moment. In that moment. Like I could drown in him forever. Only him. In my head, I know that this can't be true. Even if we were married and saw each other every blessed day, I know that eventually (maybe not for seven years, or maybe seven weeks) I will run into someone that I want to know more about and it might turn into something romantic. But in my soul and heart, while I am with Zi, he's all I want. It's so beautiful.
It's a drug. And I want more and more of it. His skin and mine. Together. Every day.


But he's not here. :( And I ache for him.
Terribly. 
Especially when we are both going through such difficult times (with the distance and my new relationship with J) and I want to hold Zi tight and stroke his forehead and touch his skin that I miss so so much. I miss Zi so much I feel insane.


What's going to happen to us? Will our relationship be relegated to chatting online everyday and only seeing each other twice a year? I can't be sustained on that as my primary relationship. And neither can Zi. 


I entertain thoughts of 'maybe I am monogamous'. But is that just me trying to be something that Zi wants me to be? And not me being authentic? 


Whatever I am, I think it is safe to say that: I mostly prefer to expend my emotional and romantic energy on one person, but right now I'm allowing myself to display affection, sex, and love to more than one.


I'm willing to do this because I'm sad. And lonely. And I need skin to touch. 
I want to trace the contours of a man's face. A soul to hold. Affection from a man.
Since Zi isn't here, I wish to do them with J.


And I hope hope hope that Zi is really ok with that, and that we can get past this storminess.


I talked to J on the phone tonight, and cried about Zi to him. I asked J if it hurt him when I was feeling so sad for Zi. J said that it didn't. At all. That he was surprisingly ok with my heart being big enough to love more than one. :) So sweet. So understanding. He said, "Pain is the tariff we owe for having big hearts." And for me to never feel guilty for feeling. Because, he said, he would much rather know someone who felt deeply (including pain), than someone who didn't feel at all because they'd stuffed it.


We also talked about us not wanting to get emotionally attached to one another because of his eventual move for (wait for it ...) a job. But. It's a little too late. The emotions are there. And they are rapidly attaching. Sigh. (What is the universe trying to tell me with having me fall for monogamous men who are,  or will be moving, out of state?)(*head smack*)


J said he thinks about that everyday (his job search that could take him out of state) and sometimes even panics about it. But he is determined to not get stuck in the places where he doesn't have any control, but to stay and say, "You know what? Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love and a great new person in my life. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now I'll just be with her. And live. And laugh. And Process."


I think those are wise words.


So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J. 


"Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now, I'll just be with you."


Sweet Dreams.

weekend bliss and bittersweetness

Aashik is playing "Werewolf" by Cat Power and making breakfast for me and the kids. He spontaneously bought a $700 ticket to come see me on Thursday night. It's Saturday now. He leaves Monday night. I'm ecstatic, sad, hopeful, and in that weird holding your breath place. We are consciously being in the now.

"I'm not leaving, in the now," he said this morning. And I cried.

We acknowledge our intense love and connection ... and wonder what it's for if we can't be together. Are we supposed to design our own kind of relationship? What should we call it? What should we call each other? (There are those 'shoulds' again...)

"I love you. You're so beautiful," he said and touched my chin.

Wrapped in each other's arms this morning, we whispered.
We whispered about our fears
And our dreams
And our hopes that we aren't ready to give up on.
We whispered about our love, and our desires, and I cried and grinded my hips into his and he kissed away my tears.

I'm fraught with confusion and pain and gratitude.
Confusion for what this tearing apart of us is for -- because there must be a reason for the Universe's cruelty; Pain for the separateness that it seems we must live right now; and gratitude for my lover's kindness and love and devotion.

I don't want to talk about the future here right now.
It's uncertain. And scary.
And stubbornly still hopeful.
I have optimism for us.
We will always be connected -- no matter what.
We will always love each other -- no matter what.
We will always be in each other's lives -- no matter what.

We just don't know how that will manifest.

No Snappy Title -- Just Loneliness

Aashik spent the night with an ex-girlfriend last night. I'm extremely curious as to what went on. I imagine laughing on the couch together and reminiscing, eating together, and ... crawling into bed together.

Aashik's told me there is nothing romantic between them -- although they do flirt sometimes -- and because they live in different states they don't see each other often at all. In fact, it's been a year since he's last seen her. But their dynamic since they've broken up has been as friends with benefits. They don't see each other for a year, get together, fuck, and then don't see each other for ages again. So, when a job interview came up in the state next to hers, he made plans to stay the night with her on his way to his interview.

Makes sense.

And he told me immediately and asked me how I felt about it. He said, "If you tell me you don't want me to do anything with her, I won't." Which was reassuring and sweet and .... well, sexy.

My response was that we hadn't ever talked about being exclusive, and that since he didn't 'want' me to be exclusive over here (he doesn't want me to be lonely), I didn't feel comfortable asking him to be exclusive ....

He wasn't satisfied with that. :) He told me it didn't matter about the inequality of it for now, that it didn't matter about not having talked about it before .... he wanted to know how I felt about this particular situation.

So, how did I feel about it?

I struggled with it while we talked via Skype. He reassured me that while sex between he and I was hot and shared an emotional component, sex with someone else would be just sex. "Masturbation with a body," he said.

Cool. :) Masturbation with a body I can handle. Plus, he said that he wouldn't try to instigate anything, but that if she came on to him ... he would just go with the flow and see where it took him. I was comfortable with that.

So yesterday I texted him to see if he'd safely made it to his destination.
"Yes ttyl" was the response. Ok. So he was busy. I get that. :)

I floated in mindlessness for an hour or so -- napping, watched part of a documentary on Islam, Facebooked -- then pulled myself up to the task of working on my manuscript. Seven hours. Seven hours straight I worked .... and every once in awhile I'd think, "I should get ready for bed," but I didn't want to face the empty bed. I also knew that  if I climbed into that empty bed (that had not so long ago held both Aashik and me), I would be thinking of Aashik and his ex spending the night together.

I tried really analyzing my feelings and seeing if I had issue with Aashik sleeping with other women. I mean, let's get real. He's a man. :) And while he tells me right now that he has no eyes for other women (a statement which I greedily slurp up every time he says it), I imagine that if forced to live apart for years ... he's going to need to have sex with other women. Maybe. At least that's the story I'm telling myself today. Maybe he wouldn't need ... he keeps telling me he's wired differently than most men.

Hmm.

Well, anyway. My thoughts about Aashik sleeping with other women ... his ex last night in particular.
I don't even know yet if he did anything. I texted him again several hours later (when I knew he'd probably already be in bed, and if he was doing anything with her, would be in the middle of that ... but early enough yet that there was a possibility he'd still be up and if he was, he could text me back.) I just said good night and that I'd love to hear from him after his interview today. (I just looked at the time .... he's in his interview right now!) I got no response to the text. :)

I'm sure I'll get a full accounting of his time, and I totally trust Aashik to be honest with me. He's proved himself to be that time and time again. And in my head I am fine with him having sex with other women. To be honest, not so much with having a romantic relationship with another woman -- but sex I can wrap my head around. But last night I was anxious and I didn't know why. I trust Aashik, and even if he has sex with his ex I'm ok with it, right? So why the anxiety?

My head was ok with it, but what about my heart? What about my cells? Were they ok with him having sex with other people?

I looked under all the layers to see. Under the layers of his clothes, and his cologne and his smell, and my smell and my skin, and into my soul. Because this was important. If Aashik and I are to have a long distance relationship for any substantial length of time, I need to know if I'm ok with him having sex or having a girlfriend or whatever. So, truth time.

And under all that searching, I think what came to me is that I was missing Aashik. I was lonely. And I ached for him. It wasn't the thought of him having sex with his ex that was making me feel sad, it was that he would be crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around someone he cared about ... and I wanted to do that. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and feel his hot skin. And curl up inside his arms.

I just missed him.
I miss him now.