One Foot in Front of the Other

Missing my guy tonight.

I've been watching Hindi movies like crazy these past ten days or so. One almost every night. And I went to a Bhangra dance class tonight. And I've been listening to Urdu music on my iPod. And I started reading ... wait for it ... five books on: Islam, India, religion in India, a Pakistani/Muslim memoir, and a novel that takes place in India.

These are the things I do to ease my separation pain.

Also, talking to him every day on Skype. Multiple times really. I'll Skype with him when I get off work, and then we'll take a break while he eats dinner, and then we do it again. Sometimes we talk dirty to each other. Sometimes we fuck on Skype. Sometimes we cry together. Sometimes we laugh and whisper lovey things to each other. Sometimes we talk about culture. Sometimes we talk about needs, and how much we miss each other.

And we text, too. And talk on the phone.
And we both look for jobs for him in the NW.

And we dream about the future, while trying valiantly to stay in the now -- taking one challenge at a time.

Somedays I feel strong; others weak. But every day I love him more and more. And that binds us.

And that's what I hold on to. That's what I'm going to bed with tonight. A Tuesday night.
Just another Tuesday night.
How many more Tuesday nights will I spend without Zi?

"My prayers are ringing through my body, Zi. I'm calling out to the gods and the Universal Source to help us find a way to bring us together soon. Permanently.

I love you."

Who am I?

I am Zi. I am a Virgo. I have lived in the United states for the nearly the last decade. In early 2010, I  moved to the north-west for a professional reasons. In the course of time, I met Zin and fell in love with her(gradually). Then, I lost my job and consequently made the decision to leave for the north-east, partly because it was a bigger job market and partly to increase my chances of staying in this country due to visa reasons which are too complex to address in this post.

I grew up with three sisters and was raised by parents(primarily my mother) who made enormous sacrifices  for their children. My parents essentially were(and still are) in a soulless unhappy marriage. Eastern family values encourage the cohesiveness of family with a reasoning that the sum is greater than the parts. While this is a beautiful concept in sentiment, it also results in a lot of pain. Especially when people stay in relationships in the name of keeping the family together while suffering from within. So consequently, I grew up watching people(especially women) make huge sacrifices for their significant others. I also watched my two older sisters overcome great odds(dealing with my parents) to marry the men they chose without my parent's consent. Watching these women shaped my idea of relationships.

Since I met Zin, I have subconsciously expected her to behave like the other women who indirectly influenced me  in the earlier part of my life. For example I did not expect her to leave her last relationship despite the apparent challenges. In her current relationship with me,  I did not expect her to gratify her immediate needs (at least in the short term) and focus on us. I now realize that it is impossible to expect that from a person who experiences life by "diving in" and living "authentically".

Also on occasion, I am not comfortable with Zin's ultra liberal and friendly attitude in her personal life. I don't think this is a result of my eastern background any more than it is of  me just applying common sense. Since we  are in a relationship, I expect her to think and act for the both of us(like I do) and not  necessarily act  "in the moment". The latter, I have realized is just a hall pass to follow every single instinct or desire stemming out of her mind. While this is a beautiful sentiment it can potentially have dangerous consequences.

Now I realize that I need to change my approach.  My idea of appropriate relationship-decorum has been developed primarily by living in an eastern culture which celebrates female modesty and relationship zeal. Perhaps expecting this from Zin is unfair to her. Maybe, I should just let her "be". Let her flow through the landscape of our relationship naturally. Not question her every act and thought.

Furthermore, I too should not limit myself in the name of our relationship and also live "authentically" like Zin. Its hard enough to be celibate in  a long distance relationship let alone deal with a partner who wants to platonically associate with a recent romantic interest. I too should seek out  company of the fairer kind and enjoy it, although with a platonic intent. These experiences are going to be tricky but  I am not going to suppress myself anymore and create self angst.

I will try not to invest all my energies into our relationship to a point which causes excessive disagreement between us. I will accept that our relationship is amorphous and may change with time.

Zi

Took a Hit

I fuck up so easily.

It seems no matter what I do, I make people unhappy.

When that happens, sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just say, "Ok, I guess I just need to re-double my efforts at being authentic. Living by my guts, my feelings, my intuition -- what feels right in the moment. I'm going to disappoint people anyway, so why not feel truthful and real while doing it?" ("If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?"~BareNaked Ladies)

And other times, when it's clear I've put my foot in it again and hurt the man I love, I want to re-double my efforts *there* -- and re-commit to focusing solely on Zi.

He sacrifices for me. Why can't I sacrifice for him? What's the difference? Monogamy would be a sacrifice. Not touching and snuggling with another man while Zi's in NJ would be a sacrifice. But one I'm willing to offer.

I want Zi. I crave the life I imagine with him. But Aashik said something to me yesterday, about getting to know him. And I wonder if it's true that I don't know him. Enough. Enough to build a life with. How is it that I love him so bracingly, so "fire in the belly", so unconditionally and completely that I'd be willing to commit to monogamy -- but not "know" him?

What do you need to know about a person before deciding you love them?

What they're like when they fight?
What they look like when they cry?
If they sex you up to a place where you get all melty inside and you never want to feel another cock inside you but his?
When you want to carry their child in your womb and make them a daddy? And *see* them with that child?

Is it then? Is that when you know them enough to love them?
Is that knowing them at all?




It feels different now.

Zi and I spoke yesterday (texted and Skyped), and while the conversation started out with name calling (apparently I am "insensitive and self-absorbed") and that he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with me if this is what it looked like, we ended with both of us apologizing and with us going back to where we left off when he left my town after this last visit -- monogamously Trying with all our combined mightiness to make Us work. Chock this up to one more challenge. Roll with the punches.

But it still feels different.
Even though Zi has said nothing has changed.
Only that if I can see men socially (platonically) -- including J (someone I have a short history with) -- then he will start seeing women socially, too.

But it still feels like something is wrong.
Not quite right.
Like something's gonna happen.

Long-Distance Relationships

A long-distance relationship has never been what I’ve wanted . But I’m in one by my own choice (in a way.)

Once Zi moved, I could’ve said, ‘well, it’s been nice knowing you,’ but I didn’t. I wanted to stay connected. I wanted to stay in relationship. So, here we are. Long Distance.

Fears and challenges will arise – have already arisen. But that doesn’t make me want Zi any less, nor does it make me want to give up trying.

We both believe that these challenges are just that – challenges.

We both believe that we can overcome them.

We both believe in our love, and

We both believe our separation is only temporary.

We just need to hold on.

Hold on to each other,

Hold on to our dreams,

And we can make “us” happen.

That said, not giving our fears and challenges an airing once in awhile so they don’t turn dirty and dank – growing mold and getting bigger – is not healthy.

Not whine, or be-labor them. But not stuff them either. Just show them the light, acknowledge they are there, so they will shrivel in that light.

Some fears/challenges we face:

*my need for skin to skin touch in a non-sexual manner

*my need for skin to skin touch in a sensual manner

*my need for skin to skin touch in a sexual manner

*my desire for sharing companionship: taking a walk, watching a movie together, going to the market together, eating food together, sharing responsibilities

*Zi’s identical needs and desires

*cultural/personality differences mostly surrounding the ‘censorship’/’need to know basis’ issues that come up frequently.

This usually manifest itself in me not caring who knows what about me and showing up for all the world to see (on Facebook usually), and Zi not sharing anything about himself.

He doesn’t want those not immediately close to him to know where he works, or where he went to school. He doesn’t like pictures of himself up on the internet. He doesn’t like anything up on the internet about himself.  And I put up everything about myself. 

So, while I’ve reconciled with that quirk of his, it seems that it’s encroaching upon me now. He doesn’t like some of the things I put up on the internet about me. And that feels like it smacks of censorship.

Though when we talk about it, I understand his point of view and I enjoy learning to see things from different perspectives, so I welcome the conversations.

However, at the end of the day, I can’t be wondering or worrying if I should write something because of what “they” (whoever’s reading my internet presence) would feel, or think about me, if I did. I’ve fought for years to not fall pray to that stifling anymore.

*I’m not private; he is.

*I’m uber-liberal; he isn’t. 

*loneliness

*our time difference (I live on the west coast, he lives on the east)

*And there’s always this poly tendency that hovers around us in the back … however that manifests (if it does) neither of us know. And that’s a challenge. To any relationship, let alone a long distance one.

So. I made another list. One that counteracts this last one. This new one is for remembering the things that hold us together.

Things that hold us together:

*Sex. Totally. Not kidding. I can feel his cock from here. (Amazing sexual connection.)

*His Indian heritage/culture/language. I’m fascinated with it. And I think he’s fascinated by my being fascinated with it. …. It’s at least an ego booster for him. ;)

*Listening to him speak in Urdu. Yummy! So sexy.

*The whole package is just hot. He totally does it for me. From the grin he gets while reading something online, to the way he pushes his glasses up on his nose. From the way he intertwines his legs around mine when we are snuggling in bed, to the way he talks about his mom. From the way he calls me his queen, to the way he gobbles me up with his arms when I cry.

So.many.things.  (sigh)

I love him so.

And since I’ve gone all overboard on the lists this morning, here’s another one.

Strategies for staying connected:

*visiting once a month, or every two months and making lot of memories!

*texting multiple times a day whenever we think of each other.

*Skype sex at 6pm my time on nights I don’t have the kids here.

*Skype on weekends for just general hellos and watching each other cook or clean … 10 minute writing exercises. ;)

*Regular Skype date night each week. (eat/drinks together, read to each other, have sex, etc and whatever, but it’s a night we can count on “being” together each week, and one to look forward to.)

*Read to each other over the phone before going to sleep.

*”telling me a story” in Urdu a few nights a week.

*encourage each other in our writing (and other projects.)

And

One

Last

List

Things to keep me distracted from my fears/challenges list: 

*learning Urdu

*practicing bhangra/bollywood dancing

*writing/editing/finishing my book

*Willamette writers work

*network/build platform

*cook/clean/organize my home

*exercise (bike, hike, walk, yoga, dance)

*write on blogs (long distance relationships and women’s issues)

*being a cool mom

*building female friendships “divorce support group”

*book club

*writing book reviews for my blogs

What are your ideas?

Are you in a long distance relationship?

What do you do to stay connected?

Who I Am (Zin)

I’m the type of person that loves unconditionally. I’m the type of person that likes a hand at the small of my back – someone who appreciates touch and needs it to feel complete and loved.

I’m the kind of person who jumps into things and loves to experience the newness of a situation. Really comes alive.

I’m the kind of person that opens herself to love and connection on an energetic level with people.

I’m the kind of person that, when in love, will cyber-stalk you and send texts all day and just generally crave your presence. But still understand if you’re busy. If you are busy – when you are spending time with me (either in person or afar), I like you to make up for lost time. Really pour it on. ;)

I give, in all my relationships – friendly or romantic. And I expect that reciprocated.

I get along with most everyone.

I hate to be late places.

I love travel and other cultures, and have always wanted to live (even for a short time) in another country.

Other languages are fascinating to me, and one day I’d love to be bi-lingual.

I’m the kind of person that can be in love with more than one person. Really and truly. Sometimes I can’t, or won’t, act on it – for various reasons – but the love is there. And I don’t know how to explain that to purely monogamous people.

Yes, I didn’t count myself as one of the monogamous – but nor do I feel uber-comfortable committing myself to the ranks of the polyamorous either. I’m just me.

The truth is, I think I feel most comfortable devoting myself to one. Spending that emotional energy and love on one man. Planning for the future and building something with that one man. But I like having the flexibility and freedom to experience the excitement of a second relationship --- a part-time one. One that wouldn’t take away from my devoted long-term relationship – but one that I added to it. Peripherally.

I’ve found that mostly this desire to connect with an additional person stems from a need-based reality.

If a need of mine is not being met, then I seek out a way for it to be met. First with my partner, of course, and then from my circle of friends – or trying a new hobby on for size (though this may be a form of distraction rather than trying to fill an unmet need) – and then, if a loss is still felt, then I seek for it in an additional relationship.

That has been my only experience with “polyamory.”

But it sounds right to me.

If you know me, is this how you experience me, too? Do you experience me differently?

And if you don't know me, ... "Who are you?"