Took a Hit

I fuck up so easily.

It seems no matter what I do, I make people unhappy.

When that happens, sometimes I want to throw in the towel and just say, "Ok, I guess I just need to re-double my efforts at being authentic. Living by my guts, my feelings, my intuition -- what feels right in the moment. I'm going to disappoint people anyway, so why not feel truthful and real while doing it?" ("If I hide myself wherever I go, am I ever really there?"~BareNaked Ladies)

And other times, when it's clear I've put my foot in it again and hurt the man I love, I want to re-double my efforts *there* -- and re-commit to focusing solely on Zi.

He sacrifices for me. Why can't I sacrifice for him? What's the difference? Monogamy would be a sacrifice. Not touching and snuggling with another man while Zi's in NJ would be a sacrifice. But one I'm willing to offer.

I want Zi. I crave the life I imagine with him. But Aashik said something to me yesterday, about getting to know him. And I wonder if it's true that I don't know him. Enough. Enough to build a life with. How is it that I love him so bracingly, so "fire in the belly", so unconditionally and completely that I'd be willing to commit to monogamy -- but not "know" him?

What do you need to know about a person before deciding you love them?

What they're like when they fight?
What they look like when they cry?
If they sex you up to a place where you get all melty inside and you never want to feel another cock inside you but his?
When you want to carry their child in your womb and make them a daddy? And *see* them with that child?

Is it then? Is that when you know them enough to love them?
Is that knowing them at all?




It feels different now.

Zi and I spoke yesterday (texted and Skyped), and while the conversation started out with name calling (apparently I am "insensitive and self-absorbed") and that he didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with me if this is what it looked like, we ended with both of us apologizing and with us going back to where we left off when he left my town after this last visit -- monogamously Trying with all our combined mightiness to make Us work. Chock this up to one more challenge. Roll with the punches.

But it still feels different.
Even though Zi has said nothing has changed.
Only that if I can see men socially (platonically) -- including J (someone I have a short history with) -- then he will start seeing women socially, too.

But it still feels like something is wrong.
Not quite right.
Like something's gonna happen.