Who am I?

I am Zi. I am a Virgo. I have lived in the United states for the nearly the last decade. In early 2010, I  moved to the north-west for a professional reasons. In the course of time, I met Zin and fell in love with her(gradually). Then, I lost my job and consequently made the decision to leave for the north-east, partly because it was a bigger job market and partly to increase my chances of staying in this country due to visa reasons which are too complex to address in this post.

I grew up with three sisters and was raised by parents(primarily my mother) who made enormous sacrifices  for their children. My parents essentially were(and still are) in a soulless unhappy marriage. Eastern family values encourage the cohesiveness of family with a reasoning that the sum is greater than the parts. While this is a beautiful concept in sentiment, it also results in a lot of pain. Especially when people stay in relationships in the name of keeping the family together while suffering from within. So consequently, I grew up watching people(especially women) make huge sacrifices for their significant others. I also watched my two older sisters overcome great odds(dealing with my parents) to marry the men they chose without my parent's consent. Watching these women shaped my idea of relationships.

Since I met Zin, I have subconsciously expected her to behave like the other women who indirectly influenced me  in the earlier part of my life. For example I did not expect her to leave her last relationship despite the apparent challenges. In her current relationship with me,  I did not expect her to gratify her immediate needs (at least in the short term) and focus on us. I now realize that it is impossible to expect that from a person who experiences life by "diving in" and living "authentically".

Also on occasion, I am not comfortable with Zin's ultra liberal and friendly attitude in her personal life. I don't think this is a result of my eastern background any more than it is of  me just applying common sense. Since we  are in a relationship, I expect her to think and act for the both of us(like I do) and not  necessarily act  "in the moment". The latter, I have realized is just a hall pass to follow every single instinct or desire stemming out of her mind. While this is a beautiful sentiment it can potentially have dangerous consequences.

Now I realize that I need to change my approach.  My idea of appropriate relationship-decorum has been developed primarily by living in an eastern culture which celebrates female modesty and relationship zeal. Perhaps expecting this from Zin is unfair to her. Maybe, I should just let her "be". Let her flow through the landscape of our relationship naturally. Not question her every act and thought.

Furthermore, I too should not limit myself in the name of our relationship and also live "authentically" like Zin. Its hard enough to be celibate in  a long distance relationship let alone deal with a partner who wants to platonically associate with a recent romantic interest. I too should seek out  company of the fairer kind and enjoy it, although with a platonic intent. These experiences are going to be tricky but  I am not going to suppress myself anymore and create self angst.

I will try not to invest all my energies into our relationship to a point which causes excessive disagreement between us. I will accept that our relationship is amorphous and may change with time.

Zi