Oh. Clarity.

About eleven years and eight men ago, I dated my neighbor. He was the first man I dated after my husband died. I wanted him. He was great. He laughed. At himself and the goofy antics we got up to. He sang, he wore CK, he smiled. I saw a future with him. We sat in the hot tub, he slept over, he feed my baby son, he put my toddler daughter to bed. We watched football on the family room couch in our pajamas. He kissed like a dream. We drank together, did errands together, compared music, and talked talked talked.

I wanted to marry him.

But, he wanted to be just friends. Which was confusing to me because whenever he'd come over to "watch a movie," we'd end up fucking. And every time we ended up fucking I thought, "Maybe now he'll want to be my boyfriend." He always felt bad after we made love. Not right then, of course, but the day after. He'd call me or email me and explain again that it just wasn't fair to me to keep having sex, because he didn't see a future with me. He just wanted to be my friend. I'd say, "Yeah, yeah, sure, okay." And the next time we'd get together, I'd ply my femininity and use my hands, and he would breathe faster, and we would join again.

One day I said, "I wish you liked me more." He pulled me to him and pulled off my clothes. "I like you too much. If I didn't like you as much as I do, I would have sex with you, no problem." Somehow his didn't seem contradictory to us making love right then.

"Let's just try it. Please. I know I could make you a good girlfriend. You know you already like me, you know you already like what I do to you...."

So he finally caved.
For two weeks.

Then he said, No. No more. I just want to be friends. Period.

We stopped having sex. He didn't visit much anymore. We started dating other people.

One day my boyfriend at the time broke up with me -- by sending me a letter in the mail! It felt like such a loser way to break up with someone that it spilled over to me. Now I felt like a loser. I didn't love him, but I was still despondent over being dumped, and I wasn't even worth a verbal dumping. He'd sent the US Postal Service to do his dumping.

I called my neighbor over. He cuddled me. He made me laugh. He took my mind off the other guy. And, we ended up fucking. It was glorious. Inevitably the thought came back, "Maybe now he'll want to be my boyfriend."

I smiled all next morning. I smiled all next afternoon. I smiled all evening. Then I went out to my car and drove out my driveway. On the way out of my cul-de-sac, I saw him driving back in. We stopped and rolled down our windows to talk. I don't remember what was said now, but whatever it was -- ordinary enough I'm sure -- I had a true to god Epiphany. So true, in fact, that it didn't hurt. I even smiled when it hit me, strictly because of its Truth.

He didn't want to be my boyfriend.
It was a pity fuck.

He assured me years later that it was not, in fact, a pity fuck. He'd wanted to do it, for him, too. Not just me. It wasn't because he felt sorry for me. But regardless of the reason he fucked me, the reality was still the same.

He didn't want to be my boyfriend.

And I finally believed him. That was the kicker. Somehow I'd tricked my mind into thinking, if I just could convince him with the right words, the right moves, he'd see me. But no. The realization was sweet and simple, and there wasn't any heartache afterward. It was just simply the truth. He didn't want to be my boyfriend.

So now. Current time. 2012. I find myself in a strangely parallel storyline. Though the backstory is much different.

Zi is in NJ, I am in OR. We love each. I'm totally certain of his passion and soul-shattering love for me. But he is without a greencard. And the only reason that he is in this country legally is because he is working for a company that is getting him a greencard. Once he's gone far enough into the process, he can move to OR and we can be together.

"We could get married! We know we love each other. We've even briefly lived with each other. We KNOW we're great in bed. I could get you the greencard. Quit your job and move. We can be together now," I said many many times.

His answer was never yes.
His answer was never no.

It was always a mix of ego and fear, and wait-just-a-minute-that's-not-how-it's-done.

I kept thinking that if I just said it in the right way, with the right words, with the right moves, he would see me. (Sound familiar?) See what I'm offering. See the life we can have. The life he even wants. I know he wants it. He says he wants stability. He says he wants roots, and to come home from work to the woman he loves. He imagines our future together -- even though he says it brings him pain and anxiety to do so. He sees us in Bangalore on the top floor of his parents' house, he sees teaching cricket to us, he sees having a baby with me, he sees telling his parents about me, he sees us living together, and having my pussy around his cock every day.


But I guess I wasn't saying it hard enough. So we've stayed alone, on opposite sides of the country from each other, and repeated -- like a mantra for the broken-hearted -- "the universe just has other plans for us right now." We've been waiting for this un-ending greencard process to continue continue continue.


But it is taking so long, and there is still months and months and months and months to go, that we are both breaking. The distance has proven too much for us.

We decided six weeks ago to start dating other people. I'm not sure what we hoped to accomplish -- dating unsuspecting honest people while we were still madly in love with each other. A recipe for disaster is what that looks like.

The message in my brain keeps saying the same thing over and over and over. It's two messages actually. Looping around each other, like the rounds my daughter's friends sing at her school functions.

The first one is the marriage message. If he would just consent to marriage, we'd be together.

Logistically it really could work! It's not illegal if you love each other, and you were going to do it anyway -- just later. I'd even figured out a way around the timing of the leaving of the job (which is keeping him in status) to the marriage and subsequent paperwork. We could be engaged while he looks for work over here. I could go over to NJ and we'd have the wedding there so he could still be employed. The family greencard paperwork would start and once it was final, he'd move to OR. Or even sooner if he'd secured employment over here. I'm convinced that would be faster than waiting for the employment greencard.

The second message looping in my brain is: If you love someone ... really truly love someone ... then you make it work no matter what.

Why is he really saying no to getting married? Yes, it's not the way he/we envisioned it happening. It's not as organic as we though it would be. It's got some legal red tape wrapped around a couple of the edges. But it would still get us in the same state. In the same city. With the same future ahead of us. Marriage and Family and Foreverness. If he is repeatedly saying 'no' (or more accurately 'not yet') that must mean he doesn't love me as much as I love him. It must mean, on some level, he's just not ready for marriage. Or maybe he's not ready for marriage with me.

Yesterday, I was out of town without internet access, so we were texting a fairly serious conversation. We both prefer to have those in person (which means Skype) so we can hear voice inflection and facial expression. Less chance for misunderstanding.

Nevertheless, here was our conversation via text:

"The only reason I'm not right there beside you is because I think it's not the best place for my kids. It would hurt people if I went there. But I often wonder who it would hurt if you came here? Why aren't you here for me, my aashikji?"

"Because of a cluster fuck."

"When you explain it to me on Skype, or in person, I mostly understand. But here, all my myself, I don't. Doubts creep in and I get confused and feel like there just must not be enough love, if you are in NJ. Why do I feel that? Do I not understand because I don't want to?

"It is because you love me and you want me very much."

"Those things are true, but what does that have to do with me not comprehending how you could stay away from me, by choice. I need my man. I don't just want and love you. I need you. You are my blood and oxygen."

"I understand. I am struggling with this situation."

"I have fantasies about you showing up on my doorstep or outside my work, saying, 'I'm here now. Forever. You said to come, so I did.' And then actually staying."

"I am sorry. We both have to accept our current situation. You know my visa situation."

"This is the part where the hearbreak and not understanding come in. I know you need a greencard to stay in this country and I know I could get you that greencard, but for some reason you don't want it. :( I don't mean to sound naggy or bitchy; it's the tape that's playing over and over in my head though."

"What tape, baby?"

"The recording in my head that repeats and repeats that you don't want me enough to marry me and get the greencard that will allow us to be together."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is where I would have expected him to jump in and contradict me. Something akin to, "No no. I do love you! It's just that ...." Instead, this was my response.]

"Do you have the heart to accept our current situation and live with it?"

[Wow. But maybe it was the impersonal method of texting. In Skype I could see his eyes while he said it. Maybe it was said with compassion and angst. So I try again. Telling it like it is from my heart.]

"What else is there to do, Zi? Except convince you otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not making my wishes and love known well enough to you. Like if I try harder you'll suddenly say 'OH, how foolish I've been.' And then you'll come to me in my dreams AND in my reality."

[Again, I need some reassurance here that he really does love me and that this separation is terrible for him and he dreams of marrying me and that the only reason he's not doing it is .... etc. Instead, he responds with:]

"What is preventing you from accepting our situation and being happy with it?"

[Smack. Maybe that's still the text medium not allowing his lovely voice to caress me with his honest curiosity and concern for me, but that sentence just hurt.]

"Because it's not what I want. It's what I'm begrudgingly settling for. I want you to be a part of my life everyday. Not four times a year."

My battery died at this point, and I was frantic to know his response. I couldn't get to my car to charge up my phone and hear his answer. I took a few deep breaths and let go of knowing for awhile. And what came to me was this: my neighbor.

Zi doesn't want to be married to me.

That's it. It's simple. The Truth. Simple and clean.

I've been begging him to marry me for almost a year. I've asked him, like, eight times. I've figured out legal angles and pleaded with him. I've started losing self-respect -- how many times do you throw yourself at someone before you see yourself?

And just like that day in our cars when I smiled with the Truth of my neighbor, 'He doesn't want to be my boyfriend,' I sat in the country meadow watching my son in a relay race and smiled with the Truth of Zi.

He doesn't want to marry me.





No heartbreak. Just the truth. He's my lover. We have love for each other. We are in love with each other. We fuck like we invented it. We have luscious memories. We have mad travel and porn adventures planned for the future -- if it ever comes -- but we aren't getting married. And I'll stop asking. And he'll stop hedging.

:)




But one more thing.
I'm really worried about Zi.
I'm sad for him.

Because what I see is this. My gut feeling for the future is this story:  I will start dating other men. I will fall for one of them and we'll start getting serious. Zi will be sad (as will I) because it's not him, and he'll start seeing someone, because it's time. I'll get even more serious with this other man, maybe we'll even move in together, and Zi will suddenly, and quite seriously, REALIZE.

He will see, in hindsight, that he should've gotten married to me when he had the chance. Just like he wished that he hadn't moved to NJ when he did. He's told me he wished he'd stayed with me while he was looking for work. Or that he wished he'd just concentrated his job search in Portland and Seattle, instead of all over the U.S. Or just like he wished that he'd never asked me to date other men last May. Or when he wished that he'd just stayed with me for a month last summer while he was waiting for his job to start.

He told me once that he used to be a planner. He meticulously planned ages in advance, until he realized that nothing he every planned worked out. So he stopped. He began an era of just going with the flow. Which is nice for lessening anxiety, but ... I wonder if this is now the consequence of that 'not planning.'

Always wishing you'd done something different.


When I finally got my cell charged up, the long awaited text response was this:

"So you don't want to be a part of this relationship where I am your lover?"

I never responded. I was still thinking. Processing this parallel Zi/neighbor thing.

But here's my response now.

"Of course I do. I love you, and will for a long time. Probably forever. You are an amazing part of my life. You've taught me so much about myself. And your cock is to die for. I want to fuck you for as long as can.

It might be ... and I think I'll be able to tell this summer when I visit in July ... that continuing the physical connection may be too hard for me to distance myself emotionally enough to date other men successfully. Sex is sex, yes, but with you it is so much more.

And it might be that if I continue having sex with you, I may find it hard to have a normal life in OR; my heart will still be in NJ. But I don't know that for sure.

And I'm willing to wait and see.

I do love you. So so much, Zi.

You are almost everything I want.

:)

It's ok that you don't want to do what it takes to be together.
I forgive you.
I forgive myself.
I love you and I love me.

No bitterness.

As it always will be.

As far as this transition goes, I no longer sob myself to sleep every night. I've stopped starring at your picture and listening to Julia Stone's This Love or Allie Moss's Something To Hold Onto. But there are tearful moments in the day -- as many as 5 days a week if I'm honest -- and I still see you everywhere I look. And I have activated my OKCupid account.

But that's all the progress I've made so far.

Well, and the moment of Truth I smiled at yesterday in the meadow.

I love you, Zi.

Forever.

Even if we never marry.

And I'll fuck you for as long as I can."

Long-Distance Relationships

A long-distance relationship has never been what I’ve wanted . But I’m in one by my own choice (in a way.)

Once Zi moved, I could’ve said, ‘well, it’s been nice knowing you,’ but I didn’t. I wanted to stay connected. I wanted to stay in relationship. So, here we are. Long Distance.

Fears and challenges will arise – have already arisen. But that doesn’t make me want Zi any less, nor does it make me want to give up trying.

We both believe that these challenges are just that – challenges.

We both believe that we can overcome them.

We both believe in our love, and

We both believe our separation is only temporary.

We just need to hold on.

Hold on to each other,

Hold on to our dreams,

And we can make “us” happen.

That said, not giving our fears and challenges an airing once in awhile so they don’t turn dirty and dank – growing mold and getting bigger – is not healthy.

Not whine, or be-labor them. But not stuff them either. Just show them the light, acknowledge they are there, so they will shrivel in that light.

Some fears/challenges we face:

*my need for skin to skin touch in a non-sexual manner

*my need for skin to skin touch in a sensual manner

*my need for skin to skin touch in a sexual manner

*my desire for sharing companionship: taking a walk, watching a movie together, going to the market together, eating food together, sharing responsibilities

*Zi’s identical needs and desires

*cultural/personality differences mostly surrounding the ‘censorship’/’need to know basis’ issues that come up frequently.

This usually manifest itself in me not caring who knows what about me and showing up for all the world to see (on Facebook usually), and Zi not sharing anything about himself.

He doesn’t want those not immediately close to him to know where he works, or where he went to school. He doesn’t like pictures of himself up on the internet. He doesn’t like anything up on the internet about himself.  And I put up everything about myself. 

So, while I’ve reconciled with that quirk of his, it seems that it’s encroaching upon me now. He doesn’t like some of the things I put up on the internet about me. And that feels like it smacks of censorship.

Though when we talk about it, I understand his point of view and I enjoy learning to see things from different perspectives, so I welcome the conversations.

However, at the end of the day, I can’t be wondering or worrying if I should write something because of what “they” (whoever’s reading my internet presence) would feel, or think about me, if I did. I’ve fought for years to not fall pray to that stifling anymore.

*I’m not private; he is.

*I’m uber-liberal; he isn’t. 

*loneliness

*our time difference (I live on the west coast, he lives on the east)

*And there’s always this poly tendency that hovers around us in the back … however that manifests (if it does) neither of us know. And that’s a challenge. To any relationship, let alone a long distance one.

So. I made another list. One that counteracts this last one. This new one is for remembering the things that hold us together.

Things that hold us together:

*Sex. Totally. Not kidding. I can feel his cock from here. (Amazing sexual connection.)

*His Indian heritage/culture/language. I’m fascinated with it. And I think he’s fascinated by my being fascinated with it. …. It’s at least an ego booster for him. ;)

*Listening to him speak in Urdu. Yummy! So sexy.

*The whole package is just hot. He totally does it for me. From the grin he gets while reading something online, to the way he pushes his glasses up on his nose. From the way he intertwines his legs around mine when we are snuggling in bed, to the way he talks about his mom. From the way he calls me his queen, to the way he gobbles me up with his arms when I cry.

So.many.things.  (sigh)

I love him so.

And since I’ve gone all overboard on the lists this morning, here’s another one.

Strategies for staying connected:

*visiting once a month, or every two months and making lot of memories!

*texting multiple times a day whenever we think of each other.

*Skype sex at 6pm my time on nights I don’t have the kids here.

*Skype on weekends for just general hellos and watching each other cook or clean … 10 minute writing exercises. ;)

*Regular Skype date night each week. (eat/drinks together, read to each other, have sex, etc and whatever, but it’s a night we can count on “being” together each week, and one to look forward to.)

*Read to each other over the phone before going to sleep.

*”telling me a story” in Urdu a few nights a week.

*encourage each other in our writing (and other projects.)

And

One

Last

List

Things to keep me distracted from my fears/challenges list: 

*learning Urdu

*practicing bhangra/bollywood dancing

*writing/editing/finishing my book

*Willamette writers work

*network/build platform

*cook/clean/organize my home

*exercise (bike, hike, walk, yoga, dance)

*write on blogs (long distance relationships and women’s issues)

*being a cool mom

*building female friendships “divorce support group”

*book club

*writing book reviews for my blogs

What are your ideas?

Are you in a long distance relationship?

What do you do to stay connected?

I Miss Zi so much I Feel Insane.

I'm feeling beat up today. My head hurts from crying ... and probably not drinking enough water. And stress. And too much on my plate right now. And not having a regular schedule in which to do anything. I feel like I'm behind on everything -- making hotel reservations in Sunriver, now one for Portland, making flight reservations for Massachusetts, signing up for the Willamette Writers Conference (and the hotel reservations for that, too) and and and and and and. It goes on and on.

Faerieworlds Festival is this weekend. The Summer Solstice. Something to celebrate. But I don't feel much like celebrating.

I'm tired.

Probably not a great time to write. When I'm tired. Everything seems bigger and more dramatic when I'm tired.

Zi and I have been talking A LOT about our relationship these past two days. I feel like I have monumentally let him down. Why did I fall in love with a monogamous man? This is so painful for him, and consequently painful for me as well. Empathically I feel his pain. And frustration. And disappointment.

We both want to be together. We both love each other. We both feel an immense physical connection.
But.
He's not here.
So now what do we do?
What kind of relationship can we create with our distance that will allow us both to feel ok?

I told Zi today that one of my bottom lines in any relationship I was in right now was the freedom to connect with other men if I felt called to it. I may not. I may be monogamous in lifestyle (if not in heart) for *years* before running into someone I felt a connection with and wanted to follow it where it lead. But I needed to freedom to be able to go there. I think things happen for reasons and we meet people for those same reasons. If I meet you on my life path, it's for a reason, and I want to get to know you long enough so that I can figure out the why of that.

Zi says we hadn't talked about this before (but I know we have). Maybe it was another case of me saying and meaning one thing and him hearing it a different way than I meant. Connotations of words has suddenly become a big deal for us. We have resolved to be very clear with each other about what the meanings of our words means.

For instance,
I emailed Zi earlier today about changing my Facebook profile picture. Zi is very careful about his appearance on the internet and never shares anything personal online. He's uncomfortable with me putting up pictures of him, tagging his name on anything, or even on me writing on his Wall. He wants all communication to be private. Ok. (I'm am not a private person at all, so the concept has taken some getting used to :) but it's one that I honor because it is important to him.)

So, a couple of the pictures I took of him this past weekend were so beautiful of us, I altered them so that just partial face shots of him were there. I emailed them to him and asked which one I could put up (a couple days ago, he had said I could ... I just wanted to give him an option of which one looked better to him). And here was his emailed reply:

These pictures are good. But in light of some of the recent developments in your personal life, I am not comfortable with you posting these pics.

We  always talked about our relationship and how we had agreed to keep your other relationships invisible. But now, with our circumstances changing...let me be the "invisible man" in your life.

Will always love you


I don't even know what that means. :( "In light of some of the recent developments in your personal life"? Does he mean that because I have listed J, on FB, as someone I'm in a relationship with now, Zi doesn't want to be acknowledged as my boyfriend at all? To anyone? He wants to be "invisible" now?
Why?


And the reference to keeping my other relationships invisible, that was a very specific scenario. That referred only to if Zi and I were married and if I found someone I wanted to connect with on the side (once or twice a week), it would have to be kept from our mutual circle of friends and his family. My friends could know though. But only the closest, most discretionary ones. Like T. So his reference in the email doesn't apply to us right now at all. (I wonder why he brought it up.)


So, does the fact that J and I are publicly dating mean that Zi is embarrassed to be with me? Like he's the "other man" or something? I'm proud of Zi. He's amazing and awesome and I want the world to know how much in love I am with him! And he wants to be my secret? I don't understand that. I hope that I'm wrong and have misunderstood his email. It's too late (time difference) to call and talk to him about it. So I am forced to wait and worry tonight until he can respond to this posting tomorrow.


I love Zi. So much!


He calls me "my queen." He washes my hair and my feet and looks into my soul with eyes that burn through my flesh, and drips into me like molasses. He curves his skinny legs around mine and cups his fingers around my ass, lingering, and bites me.


His energy sinks into my aura when we hug and he rubs his face into mine when I cry.


When we spend time together, his scent changes -- mingles with mine, reacts to mine. He alternately says he can't live without me and we have to figure out how to live and love long-distance so it can stay passionate and real and fulfilling ..... and then trips into the dank hole of giving up and says he fears he'll never see me again.


He pays attention to me. He thinks of me when we aren't together. He is sexually attractive to me and me to him. SO MUCH. Our sex is amazing. The best I've ever had -- and I've had sex with *many* men.


He gets me.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
He loves me.
He cooks for me and treats me like a precious commodity.
I'm fascinated by him: he's foreign, exotic, has a beautiful soul, and he speaks to me in Urdu.
He stands up to me. He's dominant. *And* submissive. 
He accepts that I'm poly (tho I'm saddened to think that this is changing for him as I type this).
He aches for me.
He misses me when I'm not there.
He loves my body and my smell.


I'm so in love with him.


And I'm so afraid for us.
I'm watching him crack.
Via Skype.


When Zi is here, he is all I think about. He is all I want. Forever. That's what I feel in the moment. In that moment. Like I could drown in him forever. Only him. In my head, I know that this can't be true. Even if we were married and saw each other every blessed day, I know that eventually (maybe not for seven years, or maybe seven weeks) I will run into someone that I want to know more about and it might turn into something romantic. But in my soul and heart, while I am with Zi, he's all I want. It's so beautiful.
It's a drug. And I want more and more of it. His skin and mine. Together. Every day.


But he's not here. :( And I ache for him.
Terribly. 
Especially when we are both going through such difficult times (with the distance and my new relationship with J) and I want to hold Zi tight and stroke his forehead and touch his skin that I miss so so much. I miss Zi so much I feel insane.


What's going to happen to us? Will our relationship be relegated to chatting online everyday and only seeing each other twice a year? I can't be sustained on that as my primary relationship. And neither can Zi. 


I entertain thoughts of 'maybe I am monogamous'. But is that just me trying to be something that Zi wants me to be? And not me being authentic? 


Whatever I am, I think it is safe to say that: I mostly prefer to expend my emotional and romantic energy on one person, but right now I'm allowing myself to display affection, sex, and love to more than one.


I'm willing to do this because I'm sad. And lonely. And I need skin to touch. 
I want to trace the contours of a man's face. A soul to hold. Affection from a man.
Since Zi isn't here, I wish to do them with J.


And I hope hope hope that Zi is really ok with that, and that we can get past this storminess.


I talked to J on the phone tonight, and cried about Zi to him. I asked J if it hurt him when I was feeling so sad for Zi. J said that it didn't. At all. That he was surprisingly ok with my heart being big enough to love more than one. :) So sweet. So understanding. He said, "Pain is the tariff we owe for having big hearts." And for me to never feel guilty for feeling. Because, he said, he would much rather know someone who felt deeply (including pain), than someone who didn't feel at all because they'd stuffed it.


We also talked about us not wanting to get emotionally attached to one another because of his eventual move for (wait for it ...) a job. But. It's a little too late. The emotions are there. And they are rapidly attaching. Sigh. (What is the universe trying to tell me with having me fall for monogamous men who are,  or will be moving, out of state?)(*head smack*)


J said he thinks about that everyday (his job search that could take him out of state) and sometimes even panics about it. But he is determined to not get stuck in the places where he doesn't have any control, but to stay and say, "You know what? Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love and a great new person in my life. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now I'll just be with her. And live. And laugh. And Process."


I think those are wise words.


So I'd like to say that to both Zi and J. 


"Right now, in this moment, I have joy and love. I have no idea where it will go, but for right now, I'll just be with you."


Sweet Dreams.

Missing Aashik

Aashik left on Sunday. He moved to the east coast to visit his sister and to continue looking for more jobs. Time is running out on his visa. By July, he'll fly back to his native country if he hasn't found a job.

All I want to do is sleep.

He insisted that I start dating right away, so that I could be with someone while he was gone. It feels like I'm cheating on him. Even though it's at his insistance I do it.

I went out last night with someone. It felt wrong. NOT authentic. Afterwards I came home, didn't even brush my teeth. I just kicked off my shoes, pulled off my jeans and crawled in my bed. Bra still on, necklace on ...