Thoughts in Letter Form

Dear Zi,

You are right. Always. About everything. I think I am right about a lot of stuff, too -- when I listen to my body, when I actually feel emotion and energy in my body instead of telling myself stories and pushing my feelings out of my body and into my rational analytical brain.

I let my brain make far too many decisions, instead of my heart and chakras.

Sometimes I think you do that, too. Think with your brain, instead of your body. :)

For instance, you say that you want me to date others, but I just don't believe it. I believe that your visceral body doesn't want me to, even though your brain thinks it's a fine idea. So I get conficting responses from you. And that's why it's hard for me through this transition.

Not trying to blame this on you. I have similar conflicts in me. Parts of me yearn for you FOREVER; the logical part of me recognizes your absence and the reality that if I want a warm body and some companionship, I need to be open to dating here -- and, you know, actually do it.

A part of me says "Yes, it sucks now, but later it probably won't. If you just wait, it'll be better. Distance yourself until then." Part of me says that idea is dumb and will only teach me to detach.

And still another part says, "If you date others, you'll alienate yourself from Zi and be turning your back on him -- and he'll retaliate out of pain and hurt and leave you forever and you'll deserve it."


My fantasies of living with you and having your baby are strong. They are barbed into my flesh and even if I close the door on them, they are still attached, tethering me to a future that doesn't exist and may never.

I'm confused, my love.

I want you. I want my fantasy.

But if I'm not living for that, I need to find a way to keep myself tethered to you (because I want you always in my life somehow, in whatever way the Universe wants us to be), but in a way that allows me to fully experience life over here, with no guilt.

I'm trying.
I really am.

Right now, and only right now, and only because of the painful distance, and to run away from my dreadful feelings of guilt, I want to try letting go of my strong romantic feelings for you and moving on to a place where I can Skype and text and talk with you and be filled with peace and not remorse. "Letting go, moving on, but not."

Maybe you are right. Maybe the only way to do that is to try that "soft dating" you described -- though it sounds treacherous and abhorrent. But maybe that's the first step.

Nothing I'm saying here is different than anything we've said before. I guess I just need to periodically repeat it to solidify it. Mostly I think the guilt is the most debilitating for me.

Guilt for not being loyal and strong enough to wait monogamously across the continent for you for as long as it takes for you to make your way to the NW. Whenever that is.

And the mourning for the loss of the future I so wanted, and believe(d) that you want(ed), too. That's also debilitating.

I feel sick that we aren't together -- that I'm once again staring out of the window and at the tablecloth, my feet stuck to the floor, not wanting to go to work or grocery shopping or talking to anyone. Just sitting. Just waiting. For the rocks of depression to settle on my limbs again.

But that can't happen again.
Our love is too precious; I don't want it to make me sick.

Because then if we ever do end up together, I don't want the past (the sickness of depression) to haunt us -- for me to carry any resentment that I went through that with you (or you for me) -- to taint our love.

I'm reminded a little of P and I. How his computer addiction, though curbed in the last years we were together, made a lasting hurt and impression on our relationship and contributed to our divorce.

What if my depression is like that for us? What if we end up together two years from now, and I hold too high expectations on us because I incorrectly believe that I suffered (we suffered) so much at the beginning that everything should be perfect "now'? (in the future) And thereby sabotage our loving relationship.

And there it is again.
I'm panicky about a future that doesn't exist and I'm telling myself stories.

Deep breath. Stay in my body.
And go to work!