East-Facing Zin

Right now I'm entering the week after being spiritually ill. I say spiritually because on Friday while writing in my journal I stated that I felt I was on the precipice of change/cleansing/processing something, and that I was alarmed at that. But still willing and ready. So, the next morning I woke up sick. And was for the whole weekend. I'm better now, but want to retain my awareness throughout the rest of the week. I don't want to numb out in DVD land. Even books are an escape for me, albeit a healthier one.

This week is busy, but my plan is fifteen minutes of check-in every morning and night for the whole week.

My relationship with Zi is changing daily it seems. And I think we may be on the cusp of change yet again. Maybe an end to our romantic attachment.

Shifting to dear friends that share love and compassion for each other. Dear friends that talk often with each other and share what's happening in our lives with each other. Dear friends that have quietly and gently closed the door (maybe just for now) on a romantic future with each other. Dear friends that, when we see each other, enjoy each others bodies and indulge in fantasies together -- with the caveat that during sex we don't talk about having a baby, or the future with each other.

***

Do I want that? Can I stomach that? Would my heart bleed too much at that?

The reality is my heart bleeds anyway. Like I told Zi earlier in the day, even if we halted our romantic attachment, I'd still love him and miss him and think of him. What would the difference be if we ended our romantic relationship or not?

The truth is, logistically, nothing.
Energetically though, for me anyway, there would be a shifting. An opening of heart space.

Like Allie Moss says, "You can't see anything new until you change where you stand." I'm still here in Eugene, waitressing, writing, editing, parenting, dancing and practicing yoga. But maybe I can be facing a different direction. Maybe East. For new beginnings.

Logistically, my actions, behaviors, and lifestyle with Zi would be the same, and the sex (when we visit with each other) will still happen. BUT, the romantic future door would be closed. The East-facing me wouldn't think of whatifs and ifonlys.

Because the future is unknown, it is possible that the door could be opened again. It wouldn't be slammed shut, just gently closed. There's no lock on it. It could be opened again at anytime, if both of us want it to. But right now it would be closed.

Deep breath.

Our love is still there. Our friendship is still deep. The only thing missing is the future. And that's as it should be. Because it doesn't exist anyway.