Again

I’m staring at the wall again.

It feels like a boulder is pressing on my lungs again.

I’m in that place where I can’t breathe. Where I can’t think. Where I can only mourn.

Whatever that means.

I’m in that place, again, where all I want to do is sleep. Where all I want to do is watch movies to escape.

Again.

Where I want to touch myself to forget.

Where I want to touch myself to remember.

Again.

I’m in that place again where sleep often mocks me dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd unless I’m falling asleep at the keyboard.

Where I float through my life’s existence like a ghost, watching from above.

I want to crawl under a mossy log and hide from drippy wet rain that seeps into the knees of my jeans, and mats my hair.

It’s that time again where I have to breathe fast and shallow to get enough air, because my lungs have so much weight on them I can’t wiggle out from under it.

It’s that time again when the alarm is going off and I can’t find the off switch.

It’s that time again where I turn the crank on the popcorn maker and nothing pops. I just turn and turn and turn. And I think of how that’s a pretty crummy metaphor for my life right now, but then a breeze forces it’s way past the blinds and lifts my hair, cooling me.

And tickles my calves.

And I smile in spite of myself.