Dear Friend-That's-Also-in-a-Long-Distance-Relationship,
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I am, too. I have good
days and bad days.
Bad Days are where I can’t imagine staying in this
relationship because I’m purposefully living without touch, without
companionship, without daily help – emotionally, mentally, and physically, and
without “gymnastics in the bedroom” during my sexual prime. And that just
sounds stupid. Who the fuck would do that to themselves on purpose?
I must be insane.
Good Days are the ones where I feel a part of something
bigger. Where I feel taken care of. Strong. Loved. Held. On those days I feel
like I could last forever. Especially when I get to visit with him often. To
smell him. Touch his skin. Brush our teeth together.
Mostly I try to distract myself.
I haven’t decided if that is a healthy thing to do, or not.
Sometimes it just makes sense to do it. How else could I
make it a year without him?
But lots of time I wonder if in the process of trying to
distract myself, I’m hiding from the pain. Not processing it. Lying to myself
about what I want.
I know I should look at that. To make sure. To at least
acknowledge the things I’m avoiding – if I am avoiding them. But not right now. Right now my son is playing video
games with noise in them, while he commentates everything he sees, does, or
builds. Thoughts too. “Whoa! I forgot that was there. Oh look, a cow. Oh look,
a creeper. Explode. Haha. Cow udder cup. Shift. (humming) My shift failed me
again. Luckily it wasn’t so I would die. Now let’s fix this. I know for a
fact…., Oh look, my little stack of pumpkins.” It’s exhausting. And not conducive to soul searching.
Over and out.
Until next time.
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