O My God.
The sex.
Zi picked me up from the airport on Saturday morning. We drove to his apartment and he showed me around. There were boxes and recycling spewed everywhere and no furniture to sit on, but he'd clearly been moving in like a mad-man this week. The kitchen and bathroom and bedroom were set ... It was just the living room that still needed some assistance.
A short tour led us to THE BED, and we climbed inside and pulled off clothes and kissed and fucked. Mmmm. First time in four months. (Which is wrong on multiple levels.) My period was due is a few days, so I was fairly certain I wasn't in my fertile time. However, I had him pull out and cum on my stomach .... just in case. Mmm. So yummy. So much. I rubbed it in.
We showered and lounged and I relaxed a bit. His landlord came over to fix the hot water. And then we decided to hit NYC. We ate uninspiring food, walked through Times Square (which I didn't like), walked through Central Park (which I did like), and rode on about eight subways. :) It was good. I was feeling pretty beat by the time we got home though. Jet lag and all.
We got ready for bed after eating a frozen pizza and found THE BED again. Only this time, Zi turned on THE CAMERA. (slow sexy smile) We did so much horny, sexy, nasty, awesome, wonderful things to ourselves. It was priceless. And we have the video to prove it. (To ourselves. XHamster ain't never gettin' it.)
We showered again. Together. I love showering with Zi.
I slept like a rock that night.
Next morning: Sunday.
We slept in. We fucked again. And videoed it again. :) Only difference ... I let him cum inside me. Bareback.
We showered. He made me tea. He cooked a bunch of food for the week. I drug all the recycling and trash out. The landlord's brother came over to fix the thermostat. We ate lunch and I cried a little. He held me and we talked briefly about the HOW of the DOING. How to exactly live through this forced separation. And can I handle it. We talked a little about my depression getting so bad in September and me finally dragging myself out a little bit, and me never wanting to get that bad again.
We didn't come up with any solutions. Just more: day by day do the best we can try hard and if it doesn't work out we'll know that we tried and tried and tried.
Also, I've noticed in our 2.5 days together, he's let slip the phrase "When we live together ... " several times.
I don't know what that means. Or how I feel about it.
I want it. Obviously.
But do I want to believe in it?
Or will that create more depression?
'Cuz I can't go there. Again. It was a bad place.
We went to Ikea and he showed me around. We envisioned our apartments and gave each other decorating advice. It was fun, in a strangely painful playing house sort of way.
After Ikea, we unloaded the car, heated up some dinner, did some dishes, I read some, we contemplated watching a movie, and we headed for bed. Both of us tired.
But.
We watched our homemade porn again.
So
We
Fucked
Again.
:)
I let him come inside me again.
Huh.
Why am I being so careless?
Do I want to get pregnant?
Would it be for the right reasons?
If I got pregnant, Zi said (months and months ago) that he'd marry me ... and could live with me despite the Green Card status.
Is that what this is about?
A month or so ago, I asked Zi to marry me.
On Skype.
TOTALLY un-romatic, I grant you, but at that time Zi said (not 'no' but that) he didn't want us getting married because we "had" to, but because it was the natural next thing to do in our relationship.
And I agree.
So the unprotected sex?
What's that about?
Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't really want children at all. He talks of needing solitude and having things just so. And having just spent six months living with his sister and brother-in-law and Zi's two year old nephew has given him some welcome (and maybe some not so welcome) insight into what a "young family" looks (and sounds) like. And to be fair, sometimes I don't know if I want to have another one. I feel at a different place chronologically in my life. Like it's career time.
An "oops" would be terrible if both those sentiments were the case.
HOWEVER, all of that said: I think that both of us would make delightful parents.(With the occasional squabble over beating the children.) ;)
Today's Monday.
We got up with his alarm. I got him hot water to drink. He poured us coffee.
I watched him do his morning routine.
He made me breakfast.
We showered again together.
I kissed him good-bye as he left for work.
I watched him walk out to his car and watched him drive away.
Playing house with him is dangerous.
My hope for this visit is for me to recover and heal from not sleeping enough, not eating healthy foods, not taking my meds regularly, having my mind cluttered and missing Zi into a wrenching depression.
I want to sleep and read and write and think and soak up as much Zi as is possible in our brief time.
And fuck.
I want to make lots more videos and memories with him before I fly back to Oregon.
I want to return home satiated. I want to be relaxed, well-read, and secure emotionally. I want to have enough strength to make it to the next visit.
But the one after that?
I can't see that one. My vision getting blurry and I start breathing funny.
I don't know if I can make it joyfully to the next visit after that.
How can I last this separation?
... I've finished a book, played on the Facebook/blog/online newspaper time suck thing, talked to my friend on the phone, napped and had a little something to eat.
Zi is getting off work now, and will be returning soon. I didn't make it outside today. But that's ok. It's really all about healing right now. And today was just a get my bearings day.
Going to drink a glass of water and start a new book.
Zi's making chicken curry tonight.
xo
The sex.
Zi picked me up from the airport on Saturday morning. We drove to his apartment and he showed me around. There were boxes and recycling spewed everywhere and no furniture to sit on, but he'd clearly been moving in like a mad-man this week. The kitchen and bathroom and bedroom were set ... It was just the living room that still needed some assistance.
A short tour led us to THE BED, and we climbed inside and pulled off clothes and kissed and fucked. Mmmm. First time in four months. (Which is wrong on multiple levels.) My period was due is a few days, so I was fairly certain I wasn't in my fertile time. However, I had him pull out and cum on my stomach .... just in case. Mmm. So yummy. So much. I rubbed it in.
We showered and lounged and I relaxed a bit. His landlord came over to fix the hot water. And then we decided to hit NYC. We ate uninspiring food, walked through Times Square (which I didn't like), walked through Central Park (which I did like), and rode on about eight subways. :) It was good. I was feeling pretty beat by the time we got home though. Jet lag and all.
We got ready for bed after eating a frozen pizza and found THE BED again. Only this time, Zi turned on THE CAMERA. (slow sexy smile) We did so much horny, sexy, nasty, awesome, wonderful things to ourselves. It was priceless. And we have the video to prove it. (To ourselves. XHamster ain't never gettin' it.)
We showered again. Together. I love showering with Zi.
I slept like a rock that night.
Next morning: Sunday.
We slept in. We fucked again. And videoed it again. :) Only difference ... I let him cum inside me. Bareback.
We showered. He made me tea. He cooked a bunch of food for the week. I drug all the recycling and trash out. The landlord's brother came over to fix the thermostat. We ate lunch and I cried a little. He held me and we talked briefly about the HOW of the DOING. How to exactly live through this forced separation. And can I handle it. We talked a little about my depression getting so bad in September and me finally dragging myself out a little bit, and me never wanting to get that bad again.
We didn't come up with any solutions. Just more: day by day do the best we can try hard and if it doesn't work out we'll know that we tried and tried and tried.
Also, I've noticed in our 2.5 days together, he's let slip the phrase "When we live together ... " several times.
I don't know what that means. Or how I feel about it.
I want it. Obviously.
But do I want to believe in it?
Or will that create more depression?
'Cuz I can't go there. Again. It was a bad place.
We went to Ikea and he showed me around. We envisioned our apartments and gave each other decorating advice. It was fun, in a strangely painful playing house sort of way.
After Ikea, we unloaded the car, heated up some dinner, did some dishes, I read some, we contemplated watching a movie, and we headed for bed. Both of us tired.
But.
We watched our homemade porn again.
So
We
Fucked
Again.
:)
I let him come inside me again.
Huh.
Why am I being so careless?
Do I want to get pregnant?
Would it be for the right reasons?
If I got pregnant, Zi said (months and months ago) that he'd marry me ... and could live with me despite the Green Card status.
Is that what this is about?
A month or so ago, I asked Zi to marry me.
On Skype.
TOTALLY un-romatic, I grant you, but at that time Zi said (not 'no' but that) he didn't want us getting married because we "had" to, but because it was the natural next thing to do in our relationship.
And I agree.
So the unprotected sex?
What's that about?
Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't really want children at all. He talks of needing solitude and having things just so. And having just spent six months living with his sister and brother-in-law and Zi's two year old nephew has given him some welcome (and maybe some not so welcome) insight into what a "young family" looks (and sounds) like. And to be fair, sometimes I don't know if I want to have another one. I feel at a different place chronologically in my life. Like it's career time.
An "oops" would be terrible if both those sentiments were the case.
HOWEVER, all of that said: I think that both of us would make delightful parents.(With the occasional squabble over beating the children.) ;)
Today's Monday.
We got up with his alarm. I got him hot water to drink. He poured us coffee.
I watched him do his morning routine.
He made me breakfast.
We showered again together.
I kissed him good-bye as he left for work.
I watched him walk out to his car and watched him drive away.
Playing house with him is dangerous.
My hope for this visit is for me to recover and heal from not sleeping enough, not eating healthy foods, not taking my meds regularly, having my mind cluttered and missing Zi into a wrenching depression.
I want to sleep and read and write and think and soak up as much Zi as is possible in our brief time.
And fuck.
I want to make lots more videos and memories with him before I fly back to Oregon.
I want to return home satiated. I want to be relaxed, well-read, and secure emotionally. I want to have enough strength to make it to the next visit.
But the one after that?
I can't see that one. My vision getting blurry and I start breathing funny.
I don't know if I can make it joyfully to the next visit after that.
How can I last this separation?
... I've finished a book, played on the Facebook/blog/online newspaper time suck thing, talked to my friend on the phone, napped and had a little something to eat.
Zi is getting off work now, and will be returning soon. I didn't make it outside today. But that's ok. It's really all about healing right now. And today was just a get my bearings day.
Going to drink a glass of water and start a new book.
Zi's making chicken curry tonight.
xo
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