I don't want to make any decisions out of fear anymore -- a mask to authenticity.
But here's my dilemma:
I don't want to give up on the dream of marrying Zi -- and all I have to do to attain that dream is wait a year. Maybe even less than a year. And then it's mine. Ours. Mine and Zi's. Together, at last.
And that sounds both easy -- and the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.
In the meantime we can plan a trip to India, long weekend visits from coast to coast, movie parties with my friends, rituals with my kids, ecstatic dance with a new community, energy sessions with B, and building up my massage business. Willamette Writers work and pitching my memoir. After another re-write.
I can definitely keep myself distracted with that.
I can do it.
And then -- other times -- the task seems menacing. And I look at it all askew, like: No touch for a year. (Totally not true, of course. Not with: conjugal visits to NJ and vacations together. Plus snuggle visits with my friends, and healthy professional touch with my massage clients. And nice hugs from the not-quite-snuggable friends.)
Though even still, I'm afraid. And I worry about not being able to sustain it. For reals, what if I have another meltdown in four months? Even knowing at that point I'll only have eight months to wait.
I don't want to put Zi through that pain. Again.
But.
But.
How can I make a decision that separates us and changes the direction of our beautiful relationship based on the fear that I might change my mind later? Isn't us together as a couple worth that risk?
And still at other times, I think of the benefits of moving on ... with the realization (and utter relief) that, no matter what, Zi and I will always be linked. We will always have each other and our rich history.
And without the constant "lack" factor, the loneliness and depression won't plague so much, and there will be lighter spirits and more laughter between us. In the relationship we do have.
We'll both have our physical needs met, and while it probably wouldn't be overly healthy to hold on to this thought: it might just be that in a years time -- if neither of us have found a satisfying relationship to be in -- Zi could move here after all and we could still get together in the end.
It'll be like the movie "A Lot Like Love."
But here's my dilemma:
I don't want to give up on the dream of marrying Zi -- and all I have to do to attain that dream is wait a year. Maybe even less than a year. And then it's mine. Ours. Mine and Zi's. Together, at last.
And that sounds both easy -- and the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.
In the meantime we can plan a trip to India, long weekend visits from coast to coast, movie parties with my friends, rituals with my kids, ecstatic dance with a new community, energy sessions with B, and building up my massage business. Willamette Writers work and pitching my memoir. After another re-write.
I can definitely keep myself distracted with that.
I can do it.
And then -- other times -- the task seems menacing. And I look at it all askew, like: No touch for a year. (Totally not true, of course. Not with: conjugal visits to NJ and vacations together. Plus snuggle visits with my friends, and healthy professional touch with my massage clients. And nice hugs from the not-quite-snuggable friends.)
Though even still, I'm afraid. And I worry about not being able to sustain it. For reals, what if I have another meltdown in four months? Even knowing at that point I'll only have eight months to wait.
I don't want to put Zi through that pain. Again.
But.
But.
How can I make a decision that separates us and changes the direction of our beautiful relationship based on the fear that I might change my mind later? Isn't us together as a couple worth that risk?
And still at other times, I think of the benefits of moving on ... with the realization (and utter relief) that, no matter what, Zi and I will always be linked. We will always have each other and our rich history.
And without the constant "lack" factor, the loneliness and depression won't plague so much, and there will be lighter spirits and more laughter between us. In the relationship we do have.
We'll both have our physical needs met, and while it probably wouldn't be overly healthy to hold on to this thought: it might just be that in a years time -- if neither of us have found a satisfying relationship to be in -- Zi could move here after all and we could still get together in the end.
It'll be like the movie "A Lot Like Love."
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