I'm trying to figure out what emotion I'm feeling right now. It's not shame. It's not sadness or exasperation -- though there are hints of that in it. It's more that feeling you get when you don't think you'll ever get it right. You're always messing up without even knowing it. And then when you do realize that someone thinks you've just made a mistake (or done something "totally unnecessary"), you feel .... that feeling you get when you just want to crawl back under the covers and not come out of bed. Until.... until it would be obvious to your children that you were missing and you needed to come out from the darkness of the blankets and brush your teeth and brush your hair and smile with your mouth but not your eyes and go to them on Christmas Day at their dad's house so they'll think everything is all right.
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